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The Mask

Posted on: Friday 09/14/2018 02:19:13

I will say one more thing about my situation right now, and then drop it. It's about my bipolar. As I mentioned last post, I was pulling out of the depression when I came here in early May. When the house closed in late July I took a dive again and have remained there. It was made worse when a few days after, I realized that bad car accident that sent me to the ER in early March was on the one year anniversary of my divorce, a hollow and bitter day for me. 

I have been doing a good job of putting on "the mask of normalcy" daily, hiding my mental state. It's self defense because no one here understand, though I have tried numerous times to educate them. My dad ignores it. Thanks. My mother tells me, "Oh you'll be alright. Everyone feels depressed at times". No, it's not like that. You don't get it. My brother and sister say the same thing, especially my sister, because she doesn't believe in mental illness- "You alone are responsible for your mood and how you feel. You just have to be determined to change your outlook and attitude. You have to be in control." Again, that's not it. With depression, you are unable to do that. It's not within your control because the forces of the illness are too strong and persistent.

A while ago my therapist told me on this subject, "You have tried unsuccessfully to get your family members to understand your disorder, and they seem unwilling. This is all you can do- it may be difficult, but from now on, don't tell them shit." That's what I'm doing, and yes, it's difficult. Again, I'm glad I have my KCL family.
2 Comments

More Odds Than Ends

Posted on: Thursday 09/13/2018 02:50:11

I didn't want to come back this way, but I need to get some things off my chest and have no one to talk to about them. Before that a quick update: The house closed on 7/26. I lost a bunch of money. To date, I've spent $12k on retainers and the legal stuff with my retirement funds is still not finished. The final court date was tomorrow, but my lawyer added an attachment to the motion get the alimony stopped as well. As soon as my ex-Beelzebub was advised, she lawyered up. Date pushed back until 10/19. My DSS has not been approved yet, so until this court crap is done, I have no income, and I'm getting down to my last. It's been that way for 5 1/2 months now. How long can I dangle from a rope?

So, being back here with family is turning into both a blessing and a curse. I have a lot of activities keeping me busy: fishing, hiking, biking, kayaking, writing, and now competition archery. My first shoot is on Sunday. However, the people are my issue.

My brother- I knew he was a hermit, but it's worse that I thought. He won't call me to do things. I have to call him. He won't actually do anything that involves leaving the house except go eat at the same restaurant. He is enamored of a couple of the waitresses, but has no balls to ask one out. I did this once and he told my sister he was embarrassed because he thought is was totally inappropriate. He would have problems in this area anyway. Between his hair and old clothes, he is a relic from the 70's. And he is a very stingy tipper.

My mother- Refuses to admit she is older that 65, when she will be 80 in a few months. Saying so sends her into tears. She continues to take ice staking lessons. When we tell her she will be physically doomed if she takes a fall (she is very frail), she feels hurt and goes into her speech about not being old. She refuses to admit she now has proof of her age in that her son (me) now belongs to the community senior center. She is unfortunately showing some bad signs: getting lost going to or coming home from places she has been going to for over 40 years, like the post office or church. She forgets previous conversations, or remembers things wrong. In addition, she tries to make everything about her, and is melodramatic and preachy. She told me I was being inconsiderate of my sister and BIL by smoking on their property and should pretty much bow at their feet daily. I do express my gratitude verbally, and by doing work for them around here, but really?

My sister- I could go on for days. She loves me too much and is very sweet and generous to me. However, if someone else, I couldn't be married to her for more than five minutes. She is a know it all and is always right, even when she isn't either. If she is forced into conceding in an argument or discussion topic, she is pissed for a day. She disagrees with, chastises, and corrects my BIL on literally everything. Serious. She will even tell him he is wrong about things in his construction business, which she knows very little about. He's been doing it for almost 40 years now. I think he knows. She has done this with me a  bunch on things with the divorce and my legal funding stuff. I have several times wanted to ask her how may divorces she has dealt with in the past (none).

She has zero sense of humor. I love his sense of humor. Shen he makes a joke, she eight looks away and scowls, or tells him he is stupid. He does and gives her everything. When they bought their McMansion two years ago, she was happy, but soon started complaining that the house had no pool like the last one. This spring he put one in for her, half-Olympic sized with a huge sculptured patio that has a build in gas grill and large fire pit. You can imagine what that cost. She has thanked him by treating him like shit and wanting more. She must spend $50-100 or more every single day on things she sees that she wants or things they need.

What makes this so bad is he loves her deeply. He works very hard for them to have what they do, the best of everything. He is extremely kind, compassionate, and generous. He will spend one day frantically completing and submitting bids to the DOT for construction of 20 bridges while handling dozens of call from foreman on job sites, superintendents, steel suppliers, and so on. He will get no lunch because he rushed home at noon to cut the grass, and then go back. When he gets home she is pissed if he won't immediately start doing a laundry list of things because all he did was "sit behind a desk all day". She doesn't get it when he comes home and is stress out from work. And after a week of this shit, if he wants to go fishing or take me to a bow shoot, she starts an argument in which she accuses him of always doing what he wants when he's home. Last night he actually got yelling, red in the face, fists clenched angry over what a "M-----fucking, greedy, cold, heartless c__t" my ex is, and that the demons in hell will rip the flesh from her bones as she is still alive and screaming in horror. God, I love this guy.

I know this all sounds like major complaining. Don't get me wrong. I am very grateful for everything everyone is doing for me. My BIL has been extremely supportive of me and is giving me a lot of spot-on financial and legal advise. Even though my sister corrects him on every word and disagrees with every bit of it, and tells him he's an idiot. The thing is, I have no home or vehicle, and very little money right now. I went from a middle class man to one whom is in effect homeless, jobless, vehicle-less, and poor in the space of a couple of months. Mentally I've really been pretty deep in the hole since the house closed. Side note: The day after the closing I realized the bad car accident I was in in March was on the one year anniversary of my divorce. That was a nice "booster" trigger. I am stuck here no matter how pleasant or unpleasant things are each day. For the first time since since childhood that I have had restricted freedoms, and have had to rely on others for things. It totally sucks from that point of view. 

If you have read this whole thing, I can't thank you enough. Let me know so I can try, from the bottom of my heart. I love you guys, and am glad you all are around.
7 Comments

I'm A Mess

Posted on: Tuesday 06/26/2018 01:54:55

I'm all relaxed after the trials of the move. I've been swimming a lot, working on my already decent tan, kayaking, star gazing and having fires at night, taking walks, and some great dinners out. I just started talking to my brother again this afternoon. He had made himself scarce. I asked him to go fishing tomorrow morning. He told me he couldn't as he had to go for some tests that my sister told me he had today. I'm not sweating it.

I heard the results of the township inspection on my house. There is a shit list of things to be done. Most are simple and cheap. What's not is required railings around both porches, about $2k worth. Also, some electrical crap that requires a licensed electrician. I smell some dollars on that one, too, The closing is pushed back because of these things. I'm not sweating that, either.

I got a letter from the Burlington courts about being in arrears on my alimony. I sent one back explaining my situation, and a partial payment. I suppose a notice of a contempt of court warrant will arrive next. again, not sweating that one. Come get me. I won't be missing work, and can't pay shit if I'm behind bars. Maybe I'll get that new tattoo while inside.

Today's fun was, while getting out of the kayak today, I slipped and fell in the mucky water. I cut the shit out of my left palm on a rock. Being diabetic, it bleed like crazy all over my clothes. Oh year, and I have poison ivy on my arm and numerous deer fly bites from wading the creek over the weekend. And this would all not be complete without some chiggers.

That's it for now. I hear the local coyotes howling and tipping not too far away, and I still have to gt Bosco out to pee. Good Tuesday.
6 Comments

Good Christ

Posted on: Wednesday 06/20/2018 04:02:15

I can talk about it now. When I got back to Ohio from NJ on Sunday night, I was seriously ready to have a breakdown. I can just now talk about it. The reason? My brother. For the five days of travel, packing, loading, and odd tasks, he acted like a complete asshole, was continuously nasty and mean to me, and was of very little help. Keep in mind he wanted to come along to help me.

Example: Thursday. I got up at 8:00 and started continuing to pack. He sat in my recliner texting and talking on the phone to his ex-wife. Back story: They divorced ten years ago. They are in a pattern of getting back together, then after a few months having a big fight and splitting it off again, saying they are really through this time. After a couple of weeks of not speaking, they get back together. the major thrust of this is she uses him for his prescription pain killers, muscle relaxers, and sleep meds. She is addicted, and so is he. He was forcibly taken off them after his kidney transplant, but is getting them from some unethical, shady doctor.

Anyway, I mentioned a couple of times that morning that I had too much to do to be stopping to go have a sit down breakfast as he like to do. I suggested that maybe he go out, picking something up for our breakfast, and bring it back to the house. He ignored me. Finally, at 11:00 he got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he took me up on the breakfast suggestion but after he was gone, it clicked that he didn't ask what I wanted. He came back an our later. He carried in from Dunkin, a dozen donuts which he knows I can't eat, and one coffee. I was aggravated. Then he sat at the kitchen table for 45 minutes eating his donuts and drinking his coffee while continued packing. He didn't say a word all this time, but I could tell he was pissed, probably about my not wanting to go out.

The rest of the day? He was to paint the laundry room walls. He was in the basement 4 1/2 hours, during which he was on the phone with you-know-who a bunch. I went down after that. In all that time, he only did one ten foot section of wall. He didn't use the concrete sealing paint I bought for the purpose. It smelled. He instead used some old interior latex wall paint (that smelled a lot for him, too). On basement concrete block. And it looked like a second grader did it. He said I should have bought him a professional respirator mask for the painting.

Yeah. There was also when I gave him my debit card to use when we filled up the Uhaul and his car. He filled the damned thing with premium. And on the way out there, he bitched me out for not giving him the $3 for the TP bridge toll before we started because he doesn't carry cash?!?!?!?!?! That was after his $50 tank of gas I paid for. The last straw was on the way back. An hour after we stopped for lunch I pulled into a rest stop to take a leak. He pulls up beside the truck and screeches his brakes, window down. He yells at me through the window, "NOW what is IT?!" I just politely told him I had to use the bathroom and would only be a minute. 

The whole five days was like that. My loving brother. I was ready for a melt down by the time I got to my sister's house Sunday night. I talked with my sister and BIL for a while as they tried to calm me. I love them and appreciated what they did, especially when what I wanted to do was drink myself silly alone, cry, and fall asleep on a lounger by the pool. I needed a long rest, but had to get up very early to get the truck unloaded into the storage unit. It was a good thing a few friends helped with that. I was still out of it, and oh yeah, my brother backed out of that last minute. He suddenly had to go for blood tests.

I am still shaken some by the experience, but treated myself today. I slept late. My sister made me whole wheat pancakes for a late breakfast. I was in the pool from 12:30 to 4:00 with my sister and her girlfriends. I didn't touch the phone all day. My BIL said it best tonight: "You can forget about it now. You are back here where you are loved, welcomed, and can relax and feel at home.", to which my sister added, "Our brother is a dick."     
3 Comments

No True Words

Posted on: Tuesday 06/12/2018 02:55:20

I have no words to properly express my emotions right now. I just got a copy of the walk-through inspection on the house. It appears the inspector does not want me to sell the house.

Let's look at the biggest ticket item: Yard not properly graded away from the house. Anyone without a severe eyesight deficiency can see it is well graded. In the back yard for example, pour water on the patio where it meets the foundation. The water runs off towards the yard. Fill the hose I have curled up at the foundation. Shut the water off, raise the loose end, and stretch the hose out to the middle of the yard. Set it down and watch how fast the water runs out. It runs towards the back fence, not the house, doesn't stand. 

I have never had a water issue in the basement, no foundation or floor cracks or shifting. The sump hole has never been so much as damp. Of course the pump doesn't work. I've tried regularly to run water into the hole to give the pump a test. The whole drains immediately! This wasn't an issue when I bought the fucking house. Why now? If it's something that changed in the past 28 years, fuck them.

Should I have 1/4 of my fencing removed, and my landscaping, curb, sidewalks, and patio destroyed by a bulldozer then pay to have it all replaced and sodded to satisfy this fuckwit? Should I spend nearly every penny I have on this project, default on my mortgage, and file for bankruptcy to satisfy this twatwaffle? I would have to go on welfare and food stamps, if I didn't first get jailed for not paying my alimony.

Other things: Only 5% of basement ceiling joists showing. The 5% is in the laundry room. The rest of the basement is finished, i.e. dropped ceiling. Again, you blind dickhead! Can't determine if an oil heat tank s buried in the yard. Township records of my occupancy permit inspection state "no tank found". Get off your lazy ass, go down to the hall, and have the township clerk read it to you since you are still fucking blind! I won't go into the rest.

Being suspicious minded. I can prove nothing yet, but Mrs. Buyer has a friend with the same last name as Mr. Inspector. Said friend lives in an adjoining town from Mrs. Buyer. Comparing FB photos, they are much more than online friends. There are numerous photos of the two at parties and so on, hugging for photos, and faces smashed together for selfies. Again, no real proof yet, but I smell a rat. should I find proof, I will demand the inspection be invalidated due to partiality and bias.

This all will kill the closing date, which really fuck me. I realize I may be going off half-cocked. I don't know what recourse I have on some of this or what next steps should be. I will speak to my realtor tomorrow after I have cooled off. And in case I haven't dropped enough F-bombs in this post, in the words of Johnny Rotten, "Fuck this and fuck that, fuck the fucking, fucking rats"...
6 Comments

Still Good

Posted on: Monday 06/11/2018 03:38:55

Today was the second day we went to the Columbus Arts Festival. We has VIP passes, so we got free: entrance to the art gallery, T-shirts, drinks, food. I bought a ring made from a 1908 silver quarter, and a leather necklace that has engraved on the silver pendant, "with every walk in nature one is given more than they seek". 

I am enjoying my time here. Everyone is getting along great. It's like a long vacation. However, I know a time will come when I will feel I have overstayed my time, even if my sister and BIL tell me that's not the case. I will probably not have enough money left after the move and closing on the house to put a down payment on a new place right away. I know at some point I will be itching to get into my own house, and I don't want that to affect my moods. The time and money required to get my alimony stopped, and the wait time for my DSS to be approved are going to have a major impact on this.

I am going through the mental task of making a list of things I don't want in the storage unit. Those will need to go on the tail of the truck. Another list is things I will need later, like winter clothes, that will be designated for the front of the unit. Those will need to go in the nose of the truck.

I have no plans for tomorrow. I like those days the best. Have a happy Monday, all.



 
2 Comments

Party On, Garth

Posted on: Sunday 06/10/2018 03:28:56

Today my sister hosted a graduation party for the son of a long time family friend. My sister babysat the friend, and then her son. The teens had a good time. No alcohol was allowed.

At 5:00, it became "adult time", which just ended at 11:00. Of course, alcohol was mandatory. We had a huge thunderstorm. The whole back of the yard flooded within 15 minutes. It looked like there was a pond in the middle of the yard. Afterwards it quickly drained. I could hear the water rushing in the creek from the patio, 40 yards away. I walked down, and the creek was nearly over its four foot bank.

The highlight of "adult time" was passing around balloons for that helium voice thing. A ten-year-old girl, whose parents let participate, treated us to two Lady Gaga songs, and one by Katy Perry. Ten. I did All About That Bass, and TNT. Yes, embarrassing, I know.

At the end of the night, I was in a room with eight people, including myself. Two, whom represented the publicized 53 percentile, heard "Laurel". Six, whom were in the 47 percentile, heard "Yanny". I hate math and statistics.

Tomorrow, we hit the Columbus Arts Festival downtown. I'm looking forward to perhaps buying some interesting art pieces, and breaking my diet by patronizing food trucks. I'll pass on the elephant ears due to all the powdered sugar, but watch out corn dogs and deep fried pickles on a stick.  
5 Comments

Totally Baffled

Posted on: Friday 06/08/2018 02:35:12

A year and a half ago I connected with a friend of a friend on FB. As we became more familiar, we went from FB only, to email and WhatsApp, as well. We became very close. Over two weeks ago she unfriended me, and stopped responding to email and WhatsApp messages. 

I didn't know what to think, then began to think the worst. She has a very violent ex. Every year on their wedding anniversary, he breaks a restraining order and tries to get his hands on her. The first time he did, he beat her badly. She was pregnant, and he punched her so hard in the stomach she lost the child. The second time, he broke into her apartment with two friends. They held her as be beat her badly, stabbed her in the shoulder and slashed her abdomen with a knife. In front of their young, autistic daughter. Their anniversary was three weeks ago, and she sent me photos of the psycho being arrested in the street in front of her apartment. Based on that, I have been watching the news for her area online, hoping to not see something terrible. I haven't.

Since I came here she had mentioned in an email that perhaps my moving and new life didn't include her in my mind. When I had heard nothing for a week, I emailed the friend of a friend. I have known her somewhat closely for about 14 years from a depression support web site. I asked her in a FB message if she had heard from my friend, or knew of anything happening with her. I told her I was getting pretty worried. She said she knew nothing. 

It's been a week since that exchange with that friend. I went to message her again today. I found that she too has unfriended me, just in the last two days. I am totally puzzled. I don't know what the hell happened, or what I might have done to prompt this. Losing the long-time friend like that out of the blue is really strange. I just don't get it. 
3 Comments

Evening Fun

Posted on: Thursday 06/07/2018 02:16:52

We had quite a stir here this evening. While relaxing on the patio, my BIL decided to let his two rabbit hounds out for some exercise. Luckily (or maybe not so much), he had their GPS collars on them, because they saw a rabbit at the end of the property and tore after it. They bolted along the creek line, then into the bordering brush and trees. We could hear them howling as they chased the rabbit. They went a long way, and we could hear them going nuts. Usually the rabbit would circle back, and the dogs would, too. He was showing me their path on the GPS unit.

They started to come back as the rabbit did, but picked up the original track, probably because the rabbit fooled them by crossing the creek in the process, BIL lost track of Buddy due to weak signal from his collar. Then the GPS showed that Ace stopped dead. They don't do that. It was thought that he may have gotten caught in a coyote snare, so my BIL walked the path to find Ace while whistling for, and calling Buddy. Buddy caught up to him, and we lost sight of them both. He found Ace over a mile away. His track had stopped because a family who saw him was holding him. My BIL's conversation with the man, as he related it to us:

Man: Is this your dog?
BIL: Yeah, it is.
Man: We saw this antenna on him and didn't know what to do.
BIL(holding up GPS unit): Yeah, I'm tracking him. This is how I knew he was here.
Man: That's sure some thick brush you came through to get him.
BIL (holding GPS up again): No shit. I was paging his collar. If you would have let him go when you heard me calling him, he would have come to me, I wouldn't have had to go through the thick brush. 

So, BIL headed back to the house. I could see the three of them a ways off through a pair of high powered binoculars. Then Buddy disappeared back into the brush about 80 yards from the house. His collar was only now working to the degree that he could be tracked, but not paged. BIL stood in the yard calling him. He was back on the original rabbit trail, then started to head back. He repeated that, and then took off to where the two had gone before. Buddy's tracks then stopped a half mile further. 

BIL was mad now, and night was coming on. He got in his truck, following the GPS signal. He pulled into a gravel road at a farm where the GPS showed Buddy was. He got out and called him. The barn door rolled open, and out came Buddy. Those people had been holding him. My BIL was a mess when he got back- clothes full of burrs. He got a thorn a half-inch long from a hawthorn tree completely embedded under a thumb nail. It will get infected bad even if he gets it all out. He had to cross the creek twice- In jeans, socks, and shower sandals, all of which were soaked and covered in algae. 

His night was ruined. A tip: always make sure the tracking collars are fully charged. Good night, all.
15 Comments

The Good Life

Posted on: Tuesday 06/05/2018 02:12:16

Everyone here is all to familiar with my life the past few years. As a number of people predicted, life is getting much better. The house is sold, with the closing set for the end of the month. I will have all of my stuff moved out here in a couple of weeks.

In the mornings, I no longer rush to get up and fight traffic to get to a job that my superiors make a living hell. Now I get up whenever. I take Bosco and my morning coffee onto my sister's spacious patio, and sit by the pool. I don't hear traffic, military and Coast Guard aircraft, trains, or most times, not even people. I hear the water in the creek burbling over the big rocks. I hear and watch dozens and dozens of birds, everything from hummingbirds, to woodpeckers, to the occasional bald eagle. There are many evenings around the stone fire pit with margaritas, start gazing, listening to the howls of the coyotes, and the yips of their pups from across the corn fields. Farmland dominates this general area.

I am doing a lot of activities with my family and a few old friends. I am doing a lot of reading. I am finishing about eight I was part way through, and have read several new ones. I am also doing a lot of writing, and for once the number of what I consider good poems outweigh the crap. I have offered my services to the local school district (where I went to school) for teaching and tutoring in creative writing for grades 7-12 starting in the fall school year. I am also contemplating becoming a volunteer with the parks and wildlife department. Especially enticing is if I volunteer at a state campgrounds, I get the exclusive use of a camp site season long.  

A family friend whom is a good realtor is looking out for houses that fit what I want: 3-4 bedroom, garage, one or more acres fenced, no neighbors, surrounded by farm land that is not up for development or any kind of rezoning. According to her and the mortgage person I am working with, I should be able to get that for about $130-150k, with property taxes of only about $1k, a fourth what I pay now. A pre-approval is being worked up for me at present.

So, all the stress, pressure, anxieties, insomnia, and depression are quickly melting away. I believe the management at my company thought they were eliminating a problem- me. They can't possibly have a clue as to how well this is working in my favor. As the saying goes, I lost a battle but one the war. Karma has swung quickly in my favor. Now it just needs to quickly swing against a few individuals who deserve it. I'm not worried about that though. I believe, and I know it will happen at the right time. 
5 Comments