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Again, People

Posted on: Monday 03/19/2018 05:43:59

Christ, you know. It seems every time I write here, it's because I have some issue or another. I know, it's on me. 

I was in a relationship. Yes, was. She is very intelligent, well read, sweet, multi-talented artistically yet career oriented, very beautiful and sensual. We both expressed love for each other many times, and she constantly reminded me of my good qualities, stressing to me to be good to myself. So, she massaged my self-esteem as well.

Yesterday afternoon, I was dumped. She messaged me she thought it was time to move on. I could not reach her after that. I sent her a text saying that if she was dropping me, please not to do it like this, and at least give me a reason. Tell me something. Anything. I got no reply. In the late evening she posted something on FB that let me know she had found someone else that she probably thinks she will be better off with. I have heard nothing from her since.

My head bitten off and spat out by love again. Of course, I am  suffering the usual heartbreak symptoms- I didn't sleep last night, no appetite, feel lost and worthless and hopeless. My nerves are shot, but I am drinking caffeinated tea as if it is free beer at a concert or football game. One good thing is I see my therapist early this evening. 

This is probably the shortest "trouble entry" you have ever seen from me.
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The Real Confession Time

Posted on: Sunday 02/18/2018 02:50:01

I'm sorry for the suspense. Whenever I write a post on a computer at work, only the post title publishes. It won't let me insert the copied text through the edit either. A glitch, I guess. Anyway:

The correspondence person I spoke about in my last post happens
to be a lady in England. We have gone from emails about poetry, the
writing process, the arts, personal experiences, and a number of other things,
to the addition of intimate emails, videos, and texts through a phone chat app. This isn't
about internet sex. We do however know a lot of personal details about
each other, and of our lives, past and present.

this is possible, we have over time developed strong feelings for each other,
that are growing rapidly. She is not a scammer. I contacted her first regarding
writing. She is a friend of a long-term friend on FB. In fact, a couple of
times, I have offered to help her monetarily, and she flat refused. There
has been serious talk of me flying there to meet her and stay for a week or so
when she is on her summer holiday, as they call it. I swear, if that goes as well as we both think it will, I will retire as soon as possible, sell my house and all my shit (it's just possession, right?), and move there to be with her. To me, my whole life has had so much suckiness and unhappiness in it, that if this will make me very happy for the rest of my life thenl, I am damned well going to do it.

I think she is perfect for me. She is very talented. Except the
theater, she is involved in every type of arts, and is very good and
successful at them. She is very intelligent, especially when it comes to
philosophy, psychology, cultures, ancient literature, music for starters. She
is big-hearted, gentle, strong, and kind. God, I have always been very
attracted to strong women. Guys, she has this soft, quiet voice with the
British accent that just melts you. She is a school teacher for special needs
middle school children, and head of special programs development
and administration. She cares for her 18-year-old daughter,
whom has major special needs. She is also gorgeous and sexy. She is in my eyes, the whole package, what I have searched for. 

won’t get into the stupid thing I did to upset her, but I think she knee-jerked
and over-reacted. Since then the frequency of emails and messages
have dropped off gradually. The overall tone has changed as well. Example:
Yesterday afternoon, I sent her the usual Happy Friday message, and asked
what plans she had for the weekend. Normally she would wish me one
back, tell me her plans, and ask me what I had going. She would tell me she
hoped to hear a lot from me over the weekend. She would end the message with a
"XOXOXOXO", or a "XXXXXX". Her reply yesterday was
only that the was starting a ten-day vacation, and nothing else. I would
normally have gotten the usual "good morning" message
today. I've not gotten a word. It is 8:17 a.m. here, and 1:18 p.m. there. I
sent her flowers on Valentine's Day. The shipping cost was staggering, but I
didn't care. I think she is very worth it, and I really wanted to do
it. She said they were beautiful and she wasn't used to it. That was all.

am wondering if this situation is permanent, or will wear down in time, and how
long it will take for the smoke to clear. Maybe I blew it, what could be the
best thing to ever happen to me. Obviously, those things are unanswerable right
now, and it is frustrating.


Confession Time

Posted on: Saturday 02/17/2018 01:38:46



Posted on: Tuesday 02/13/2018 01:20:41

I have no good news to start with. My brother has been in the hospital for a number of reasons. Remember he got a kidney transplant in July. He ended up going for what turned out to be a large kidney stone and excess fluid build up. He also got something called CMV virus. I'm told 50% of Americans over 50 have it dormant in their bodies. It surfaces when you have repeated, long term contact with bodily fluids and excretions from someone else who has it. Turns out his kidney donor had it. 

There has been little information forthcoming, as he is not allowed visitors, as if not handled properly, the CMV virus will turn into CMV disease, and he would likely loose the kidney. Add to that, as usual, he is not taking or returning calls, voice mail or texts. My niece is an RN there, and was able to slip in, briefly see him and go over his chart yesterday. She said he looks horrible, and they have him doped up like mad on an IV of Delauded. She says he had a colonoscopy on Friday to see how far the virus had spread into his body, then did another on Sunday. Twice in the past he has had numerous polyps removed. That, plus their going in again scares me, as colon cancer runs in the family. I am very worried about all of this.

With that and some other things, I have been rapid cycling the last two weeks, the old mood swing roller coaster ride. It's my brother, work, this whole nonsense with the divorce related financial stuff, and the fact that someone I have been corresponding with for over a year is upset with me and is now not talking to me. I won't go into why.

On the plus side, the company held a celebration for my 35th anniversary on Friday. My actual hire date is Valentine's Day. Ironic. There was a big cake, and there senior manager awarded me my plaque in front of over a hundred people. Everyone applauded me, and shook my hand or patted me on the back, and congratulated me. Everyone that is, except for my prick of a boss, who sat in a corner with his arms crossed and a bit of a scowl on his face. It doesn't bother me. In fact, I'm glad that whatever it was that bothered him about it, did so.

A very Happy Valentine's Day from me to all of our so wonderful ladies of KCL. Make those husbands and boyfriends spoil the hell out of you...  

Aggravation Much?

Posted on: Tuesday 02/13/2018 01:19:47

Well, here are some fun things from recent happenings:

In my recheck with the surgeon last Wednesday, I found out he fracturing my pinkie finger while doing straightening maneuvers during the second surgery. No wonder it is taking so long to heal, and why I am in so much damned pain when the physical therapist manually bends it. I am back to work on 12/4, but will still be in therapy for months 

I am going to try very hard to keep my stress very low and not let my bosses get my goat when I go back. I've been thinking hard that, even this is not the real me, I should not care about things there, stay calm, and just placate them and tell them whatever they want to hear at every turn.  

I found out about a major issue today. Apparently, according to federal law, my FMLA for my bipolar had to run consecutively with my disability hours. Even though one has nothing to do with the other. I am now almost out of FMLA hours because of this,even I file no claims against it. According to the law, because this occurred, I am not eligible to file for another FMLA until September of next year. Even though the disability and bipolar have nothing to do with each other. If I need to take time off due to a manic episode or bout of depression in the next ten months, I'm screwed, not covered. My bosses already view me as a problem employee, and would no doubt love to find a reason to get rid of me.

I found out that my mortgage company says I owe so much yet on my house that I won't have the house paid off for another 19 years. A house I have been in for 28 years, and that I signed the original loan for an amount that is $45,000 less than what they say I owe. In 19 years I'll be 78 years old. Can I never stop working? I know for certain my company is not going to let me keep on that long. Something seems wrong, and I need to research it. The problem is, the loan has been bought out twice, and guess what? All of the related paperwork got incinerated in the fire four years ago. I will be getting a higher quality, much larger fireproof records box.

I Don't Need It

Posted on: Sunday 01/14/2018 02:30:49

I think I'm done with the dating site. A handful of weeks ago, I was working on closing my POF account when a woman messaged me, which had only happened once before. We were messaging and she was nice. We messaged and texted for a couple of weeks then decided to meet. She wanted to meet on New Year's Eve, as that was the anniversary of her leaving her cheating husband, and she thought it would be a nice start to a good possibility.

I agreed. She wanted to come here because of how crowded and noisy places would be. I agreed to that. too. I cooked a fancy dinner for us, and had roses on the table for her. I was hopeful. She was as nice in person as online. She was a good conversationalist. We stayed up talking and watching a Newhart marathon until 3:00 a.m. I was so tired, I slept most of New Year's Day.

Last weekend we went to the movies and dinner. We had a good time, though the movie, The Darkest Hour, bored me. Again, there was a lot of good conversation. After that I was thinking about things. It was nice to have a woman to keep company with a on a weekend evening. That's all I felt in it, though. I didn't see a future for me with her. We weren't really as compatible overall as we seemed in messaging. There wasn't that spark that told me this was the woman I can't live without. I didn't want to waste either of our time. I wouldn't string her along and let her starting caring, just to have someone to talk to. That would be wrong.

I told her that I thought we should stop seeing each other, and why. I tried to be as kind as humanly possible. I could tell as I expected, that she was hurt. She was civil about it, though. Then that night as I was asleep, I got a barrage of nasty texts. She had obviously been up late getting progressively angry. Some of the highlights:

My ex didn't leave me because of my bipolar disorder. She left me because I am always at work. She got tired of hearing me say I had to stay late, or work on Saturday.
I was foolish to raise someone else's kids, stupid to still care about them, and still have them in my life.
I am going to drop dead from working too much, probably at work, and will immediately be kicked aside and replaced.
I am very selfish. I only care about myself. I only care about money.
I should close my POF account because I am incapable of loving anyone but me.
I didn't want to see her anymore because she didn't have sex with me on New Year's (I wasn't concerned with that, and told her so early on NYE when she brought it up).
If I want sparks with another woman, I'd better bring sparklers with me, because that's the only way it will happen (lol! Good one!).
I will die alone in bed with Bosco, because I don't deserve a good woman. 

I'm not going to dwell on it. It didn't hurt my feelings like she probably intended it to. I think my brother was right when he told me these were likely thoughts she was gathering about me during our talks and first two meetings. She decided to vocalize them after I broke it with her, so it's no doubt best that I did. Right on, bro. But that experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I think I probably will close my account and as someone on here told me (Lerm or Steve), stop trying so hard. If someone comes along and it happens, it happens.



Posted on: Thursday 12/28/2017 11:06:27

I forgot one thing. My ultra-evil, blood sucking, money grubbing, immoral, she-demon from hell of an ex wife is dragging out the situation with the division of the 401(k) and pension funds. She is not cooperating with my lawyer, even though she stands to gain greatly and further ruin me. 

I told my lawyer to find a way to get it done, because the retainer is starting to dwindle. I am not coughing up another $3,500 for a third one. I don't care at this point. If it ends up not getting settled, she loses the game, not me. This woman whom you know I loved so very much can, for all I care, choke to death on her boyfriend's....Never mind. Vindictive much? Yeah.

My lawyer had to file a court order. If she doesn't provide the needed documents and correspondence to the court in 14 business days from yesterday, she will be fined $100 a day until she does. That should light a fire under her non-loyal ass. Hooray.
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Keeping Quiet

Posted on: Thursday 12/28/2017 10:51:50

I know my posts have been sporadic. That will probably stop, as I will explain. Here's an update of what has been going on in Don's World:

First, I believe I have found me a woman! Just as I was closing my POF account in despair, she messaged me. We have been texting constantly, sometimes, well past bed time. She is my age, divorced, a clerical assistant, and lives not too far away. Her husband was apparently an immature dick whom thought he was still 20. She  thinks I am very nice and have my act together. Now get this: She sees nothing wrong with my being bipolar. She wants to come here for New Year's Eve, and in her words, "sleep in front of the Christmas tree" if I promise to leave it up. Of course I will. High hopes. 

I have to have a third surgery on my hand. The pinkie finger still will not bend. Unfortunately, I have to be awake for this one. I have no problem with needles. As an ERT I have no problems with blood or deep, gaping wounds or broken bones. However, watching my own finger being sliced open to the bone, then a surgeon digging around in side, no. I will be turning my head the other way.

I don't know If I told this, but while I was off work on disability, my volatile boss physically assaulted a female supervisor. The next day, he started a three week "vacation". Suspended without pay? Mandatory sensitivity Training? Both? All I know is that, against company policy he was not immediately fired. He came back. The supervisor is filing a law suit. The good thing in this is for me. He has always been a prick to me, but is now being nice, even complimentary. That being the case I decided to treat him nice, instead of how you treat someone who is a prick. So far it's working. 

I have, or had, a close friend for about 12 years. She suddenly stopped answering my emails, or emailing me for months. Several times during this period I sent texts asking if she and her wife would like to get together someplace for dinner or a couple of beers. They went unanswered. The final blow was that I sent a Christmas card, and I got it back yesterday- Return to sender. I just can't figure out what I might have done wrong. I see mutual friends in public places, and they are all very nice to me. I don't get it, and it hurts. I am now down to one close friend.

Finally, I have been getting no support from family and friends on anything of importance, especially my illness. My therapist strongly advised me to stop telling them anything. I am doing it, but I have never felt so isolated. Added to this, my therapist, whom is the best ever, and I have dealt with for eight years, called last week to tell me she was leaving the practice the following day. And the clinic has no replacement at this time. I will be flying solo for who knows how long. Now I really am isolated. That made me feel like I was treading water, and the life preserver was ripped from my hands.

I am trying to be positive. There are some good things happening, but at the same time, I know myself and my illness all too well. If things don't work out with this lady and my boss stops being nice, I will be headed for a tailspin. Thanks for reading. 

Some Things

Posted on: Monday 11/20/2017 02:27:55

I hate to start this way, but overall, I'm not doing so hot. I am in depression mode. The weather here started me on the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), to which I am prone. Taking Vitamin D3 and Magnesium is not helping much. Then, I will be spending Thanksgiving alone. I was supposed to go to my daughter's, but that collapsed. First, her husband got sent to Phoenix in business, then she had to go to her grandmother's funeral in Tuscon. I got a reservation at a nice restaurant in the area, but it's obviously not the same.

Then, there is the dating site. I am still sending introductory messages to 5-6 women a week and getting no replies. I look at the summary for those messages, and all I see is, "read- deleted" or even worse, "not read- deleted". The week before last I did start trading messages with one woman who did reply. We share a number of interests and hobbies. She is intelligent, a teacher (tons of divorced teachers out there for some reason). We both want the same things in a partner. 

I didn't hear from her on Tuesday. Mid-day Wednesday I sent a message saying I hoped she was having a good day. No reply. I let it go. Thursday morning I sent a messaging saying I was available in the evening if she wanted to chat. No reply. I sent no more, and got none back. I let Friday and yesterday roll, and got no messages. I didn't want to see overly eager or needy. This afternoon I sent one asking if she was no longer interested. I got an immediate reply- no longer interested, good luck in your search. WTF. Why keep a guy hanging? 

Also, I got a blow on Monday morning. I saw my diabetes doctor. She told me my blood sugar levels were way too high. I was immediately put on insulin, one type for first thing in the morning, a different type before each meal. I had to make immediate changes. This scared the shit out of me. I don't want to die. I went home, threw out all dry and canned goods that I was told were not good. My daughter will take what's in my fridge. I went to the store and spent $200 on good foods I was told to eat. I right away got a gym membership, as much as I dislike that.

Since then, I have been eating nothing but seafood, chicken, veggies, and salads with every lunch and dinner. My occasional summertime cigar will be a thing of the past. I am taking cinnamon daily, and drinking cranberry juice and lemon ginger tea constantly. I know this is a drastic change, but I have to do it, and stick to it. I'm actually proud of myself with the gym. Today, I did three miles on the treadmill in an hour, got the heart rate up to 126, and burned 7,520 calories. 

Finally, since my divorce, I have been at peace with it. What my ex did to me hasn't bothered me. Not having her has not bothered me. I haven't felt the need to discuss it with my therapist for six months now. However, I have started to have nightmares about her having sex with other men, and this really bizarre blob-like alien being that completely envelopes her body, at the same time. I wake up in the middle of the night with my pajamas and the bed soaked with sweat. I am wide awake then, and have trouble going back to sleep. My therapist has told me you don't interpret dreams by what happens, but by how you feel when they are happening. I feel completely freaked out. I don't want that blob thing around her, penetrating her. I am terrified. I want to stop it but somehow can't. I feel helpless.

So, as you can tell, I am a hot mess right now. I'm just waiting for all this nonsense to pass, except for the diabetes thing, which will not go away.

A Damned Shame

Posted on: Wednesday 11/01/2017 02:44:38

I had about 30 trick or treaters tonight, a new record I think. My daughter was here last night, and was going through the candy I bought: "This is good candy, you should buy more of this tomorrow." "This is shitty candy. This too. Don't hand this out." I ended up with enough candy for about 50 or more kids. Remember, I'm diabetic. I can't eat it.

Anyway, nearly all of the kids came with their parents right before, or at dusk. It's sad and a disgrace that it's come down to this, but I don't blame the parents. I would most likely do the same. Our society and cultures have gotten much uglier and unsafe over the years. 

It disturbed me to see signs in the doors of 7-11 this afternoon stating, "Halloween masks to be removed before entering store".  I got an image of a mother and her seven-year-old boy dressed up as Jack The Pumpkin King entering, and the kid pulling a 357 magnum out of his plastic Jack 'O' Lantern candy bucket. 

To trudge down memory lane, we went at night with flashlights, usually homemade costumes. Our parents were out there, but let us run all over the neighborhood. They usually clumped up into groups where they could eyeball all of us. Everyone knew and watched out for everyone else. We got together with the other kids and clued each other on what houses were giving the best candy, and the ones giving what we called "bad treats", like apples, brownies, hard ass cookies, and pennies. We also advised each other on which neighbors were home, but had all their lights out and were not giving out anything.

Afterwards, my siblings and I would spill our bags onto the living room floor. With a horror movie playing on the huge B&W TV in the background, we made trades based on who got what that they didn't like, or of which they had too many. We went to bed with stomachs full of candy that is difficult to find any more: Mary Janes, candy necklaces, Lick 'M' Aid, candy paper roll dots, Bit O' Honey, Violet Gum, Dum Dums, etc. Maybe this contributed a bunch to my current medical condition.

I hope everyone else had a good one...