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Posted on: Thursday 03/23/2017 09:45:47

I get to see my son this weekend, as expected. I'm glad for that. It will probably be a Sunday brunch.

I escaped having to work this Saturday.

Last week I ordered a cool Ab Fab T-shirt that features Patsy. It arrived in the mail today. They sent me two of them though. Not complaining. Love that show. 

I have asked the lady I have been talking to on POF about meeting for coffee sometime this weekend. No response yet.

Bosco has been very well behaved since late Tuesday night, when he bit me on the finger. For some reason, he got mad and went off when we were in bed and my hand bumped his rump. He didn't break skin or give me a bruise, but it did hurt. Right now he is showing me how much he likes the crab-cheese dip and Wheat Thins I bought at the store.

Antenna TV just announced they will have a Three Stooges marathon on Saturday, April 1st. I will absolutely be clearing my calendar for that day.

Happy Friday to all!

Catching Up Some

Posted on: Tuesday 03/21/2017 12:33:08

My apologies for being a bit scarce lately. There hasn't been a lot going on, really. I suppose the big thing has to do with my brother. Remember I posted that last weekend he went to the hospital to get a new kidney, but the deal fell through? Well, as per the usual, I talked to my mom on Saturday and found out he was back in the hospital on Wednesday for stroke symptoms again. It wasn't that so he wasn't admitted. 

From what I was told, it sounds a lot like it was due to him playing, "I'm my own best doctor" with his meds again, particularly this one that is a heart med. True to his typical style, he was taken off of it about a year ago. Since he had not been taking it when he was supposed to, he had a bunch left. He is now taking them without doctor instructions because he swears they are the only thing that makes him sleep when he has insomnia. That is totally not what they are for. He is pissed that the doctors won't prescribe him more now.

When I talked to him on Sunday I didn't get the usual, "I didn't call because I didn't want to worry you". He told me he had those symptoms for each of the five days before Wednesday. That includes while he was in the hospital for the transplant prep. He didn't tell anyone but me that just then. He didn't speak up until it was frightening him enough that he called my sister to take him to the hospital.  Everything else he told me was contradictory to what I had heard from my mom. Then I got his usual, "Those doctors don't know shit. When they say they practice medicine, that's exactly right. They practice on me." I have to now get the scoop from my sister, who knows him best at this point.

Otherwise, I didn't go to work today, as the depression had a strong hold on me. At my daughter's prodding, I did go to the grocery store tonight, and bought about 2/3 healthy stuff. I'm going to make the effort but, blah and yuck. I continue to have bizarre dreams nightly. My therapist says the meaning is not in what happens in them or who is in them. The meaning is in how and what the events make you feel. Then you have to figure out what in real life is making you have that feeling. This does not make it any easier. 

I will get to see my son this weekend, as he is coming home for a wedding. I asked him if it was his wedding, and he didn't think that was funny. Finally, I have been talking to another nice, interesting lady on POF for about a week now. She seems really interested in me. Tomorrow I will ask her about meeting for coffee or something like that this weekend. If it goes the way these things have so far, we will meet, it will be what I think is nice, then she will disappear. I know, think positive.

The Knife Rules For A Moment!

Posted on: Monday 03/13/2017 10:08:16

So I had my taxes done on Saturday. I had told someone related to something else about how the pendulum of karma can at times swing widely and swiftly. It was my freaking turn.

I found I was able to claim my alimony as a deduction. I was also able to go back in times and claim last year's as well. The result- my total return amount is sinfully large. I'm still awestruck. I will completely recoup what I spent on the lawyer, PI, and so on, and still have a whole lot beside that to bank.

Also, if the ex didn't claim it as income, which know her she probably didn't, once the IRS and state see my deal, they will be going after her. I still don't have bad feelings towards her or wish her any harm, but if I were to find out that was happening, I would smirk.

I will now be looking at the possibility of taking a short trip to Iceland this summer, which I have wanted to do for a while now. There are some pretty good package prices available right now from what I have seen just glossing through things in the interwebs. I have to do a deep dive. I won't mind going alone, if that be the case. I mainly want to take in their culture, art, and history. I want to talk to the people and see how they think and what they are like. I have heard some strange things about their diets and foods. I will not be eating whale meat on principle.

Yesterday was the second attempted meeting of my poetry group. Two people showed up, which is a real start. One is a writer friend who has a lot to input and offer. The other is a guy my age who has never written, but has been studying it. He is very enthusiastic and inquisitive. This is partially what I wanted with this group- to draw in some newbies to help turn into confident poets.

Tonight is supposed to be a blizzard, in case you didn't know. We here in South Jersey are supposed to be hardest hit in the state. The estimates for my area are anywhere from 14-36 inches with a layer of sleet slotted in there at some point. They are saying after 8:00 PM we will get 2-4 inches per hour. If that happens, I will not be making work. Around here, they don't plow shit until it all stops, and residential areas are the last to be plowed. I live halfway up a hill, which is problematic. Then there is the long commute. Who knows what the freeway, highway, side and country roads I travel will be like. Finally, I do leave for work at 4:30 AM. If I am out shoveling and digging my car out at 4:00, my neighbors will gather into a mob and kill me. The senior manager says they may call a delayed 10:00 AM start. That probably wouldn't help me any. I'm hoping he is human and sensible and just closes the operation for the day. If it's that bad and we work, the trucks won't go out on their multi-state routes anyway.

HBD, Luna

Posted on: Monday 03/13/2017 09:37:35

The happiest of birthdays to a classy, beautiful lady.  She has a great smile in every photo, no matter what she has going on. She always has kind words and heartfelt advice for me in whatever I happen to be going through. She is impressively strong. It appears whatever life hands her, she perseveres. Best wishes, Luna.     

In The Mood

Posted on: Saturday 03/11/2017 05:26:25

Suffice it to say, it's been a rough night.

First, I am feeling less than cheery about yesterday's event, and pondering a nightmare from last night.

Then tonight, the family went through some ups and downs. After nine years of waiting on the list, my brother was going to get a new donor kidney tonight. He was at the hospital already being prepped when I was called. Then it fell through. Apparently, the donor had kidney failure for too long before they expired, so it couldn't get to my brother in time and became unusable for him. I feel awful for both my brother, and the would-be donor and their family.

Finally, I was listening to old song demos. An acoustic instrumental came on that I wrote for my old dog Cortes. It's titled Black after the color of his fur. I forgot that at the end of this particular recording, he actually barks, as if he knew I was playing his song. 

It was the wrong thing to hear at the wrong time. I've never gotten over his passing. I couldn't help somewhat of an emotional meltdown then. I hate falling apart like that, and making Bosco feel something was wrong.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow. 


My Shortest Entry

Posted on: Thursday 03/09/2017 08:57:32

As of 10:00 AM or so today, I am a divorced man. As I was warned, I feel nothing but empty and hollow. It is very warm out, and not a cloud in the sky, but it does nothing for me. I have other things on my mind that I could write about, but they don't seem to mean anything. 

So Uh, Yeah

Posted on: Saturday 03/04/2017 03:57:10

I was deep enough into my depressive mood that I stayed home Monday through Wednesday. I didn't eat really, didn't talk to anyone, just laid around with Bosco. I did see my therapist Tuesday night. She talked to me about compartmentalizing and prioritizing the issues affecting me instead of them hanging like a huge blob over me.

My boss has been a total ass, worse than ever since he came back from his operation. Today when someone said they were going to have something done a certain way he actually told them, "Don't do that. Do that or do this other thing". What? Don't do it but do it? I felt like my head was swimming. In a meeting he spent twenty minutes talking about our need to start thinking about how our departments will be physically set up after our building is expanded. Afterwards, we were all laughing. We know what we think doesn't matter because every little detail will end up exactly the way he wants it anyway. Just like everything else.

I'm fed up with POF. I'm back to OKCupid for now. If nothing happens with it within the next month or so, I'm done. For now anyway. It's a little extra stress and hassle I don't need. Trying to find someone shouldn't be stress or hassle. 

So, phone conference with law office people on the 7th, court hearing on the morning of the 9th. She will most likely not be there. I am mad though that my lawyer will not be at the hearing with me. It will be one of his associate underlings. The clerk and paralegals did all the work, then the actual lawyer won't be in court with me? I just think it's bullshit. I really feel like I've gotten my money's worth out of the $8,500, you know?

There's more, but I'm not going into it now. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Mixed Greens

Posted on: Monday 02/27/2017 10:12:59

Saturday was really nice here, and a good day for me. It was sunny and the temperature got up to 70 degrees. I put on shorts and a T-shirt, and took Bosco for a two hour walk at the River Walk. We ended the walk at a place called Legends Pizza And Tap Room, on the main street of our quaint, little downtown. We sat outside. I had some pizza and a beer while Bosco was amused by other dogs with people there, or being walked past. It all ended with dinner with good friends that turned into coffee and conversation at their house until midnight. 

As it sometimes goes, depression hit me on Sunday. I stayed in, unable to keep my eyes open and a good thought in my head. I stayed home from work today, as I woke up feeling worse. I think it was partially fueled by a big change in the weather. It's is also that I got the notice from my lawyer that I knew was coming. I now have to replenish my retainer funds. I thought I remembered it being $2,500, but it is $2,900, which is actually a big difference to me. I also had to put out for a six month renewal on my P.O. box when I am probably only going to need it for another two months. 

It seems the only good thing going on in my life right now is my communication with writer friend in England. She writes, even just in emails, in a way I wish I could. At times I read a few sentences in a paragraph of hers, and I have to stop and reread them. I ask myself how she managed to string those particular words together the way she did, and get that meaning. Having her there to mutually bounce ideas off of and clunk skulls together is great. 

One thing that bothers me now is what my fellow supervisors at work might be thinking about my absences. Maybe they think I am terminally ill. I don't know if they know I have the FMLA certification. We all know there are some dishonest people who get them for a legitimate reason, then use it in obviously BS ways. For example, the guy who uses it to leave work early every Friday afternoon, the guy who uses it to not come in for early, pre-shift overtime, or the guys who used it to take off the day after the Super Bowl. Maybe they think I am one of those people.  

I don't ever want them to know why I have mine, for numerous reasons. If they knew, it would soon get to the employees. That would destroy my career and other things for sure. I know people will say not to let it bother me. I also know people will say about the BP in general to "just get over all of it", or "snap out of it". It doesn't work that way. 

A Little News

Posted on: Tuesday 02/21/2017 12:17:45

It was warm enough here on Saturday night that I had a fire in the fire pit and a few too many beers and shots.

I got a copy of the letter my lawyer sent to the divorce court judge requesting a hearing. Finally. However, my retainer funds are at $900 right now. If it gets down to $750, which it will very soon I'm sure, I have to replenish back to the original $2,500, per the contract. I didn't think at the start this would happen. Joke's on me. 

There goes my income tax refund and probably part of my bonus. I can forget about my double bridge work, and not even toy with the idea of the surgery I need for my trigger finger. Remember how for so long I just couldn't be angry with my ex or the whole situation? No longer. She still holds a place in my heart, but I wish she didn't because I now despise her over the alimony deal.

I may have killed a treasured friendship without meaning to. I don't know for sure yet. I am hoping beyond hope for a positive outcome.

Slap Me, Please

Posted on: Thursday 02/16/2017 01:33:19

I apologize if I posted about this before. I'll keep it short. A while ago I spent about a month developing a project that has the potential to fix and improve numerous issues we have with order fulfillment accuracy, customer service, and inventory control. I submitted it to my management weeks ago, and they sat on it. 

I decided to be proactive the end of the week before last, and launch part of it on my own. This piece involved all shipping supervisors reviewing order filling and pack errors made by their employees daily. They need to see who, what, when, where, and why, so that can fix the issues, deal with the offenders, and work on prevention, part of which was already covered in my project.

I launched it on Friday, with an email to all involved, asking that it be started on Monday. Friday afternoon, my managers called me in the office. They told me we are not implementing the project. I put forth my stance on the project, the time and effort I put into it, and how strongly I felt about it's being a good working solution to a number of our operational and service ills. Everything in the project was based on fact, data, and research. They didn't want to hear it. 

To add insult to injury, my boss admitted not even picking his project copy up out of his in basket. My senior manager admitted he had only quickly skimmed it, and "thought he might remember something" about the piece I was attempting to implement.

Maybe I overstepped. I felt like the message was, "don't try improving things beyond the scope and bounds of your own department", even though we have been trained in the past to do just that- contribute and act with the good of the operation as a whole in mind.

When I look in my crystal ball, I see this thing being buried.