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A Damned Shame

Posted on: Wednesday 11/01/2017 02:44:38

I had about 30 trick or treaters tonight, a new record I think. My daughter was here last night, and was going through the candy I bought: "This is good candy, you should buy more of this tomorrow." "This is shitty candy. This too. Don't hand this out." I ended up with enough candy for about 50 or more kids. Remember, I'm diabetic. I can't eat it.

Anyway, nearly all of the kids came with their parents right before, or at dusk. It's sad and a disgrace that it's come down to this, but I don't blame the parents. I would most likely do the same. Our society and cultures have gotten much uglier and unsafe over the years. 

It disturbed me to see signs in the doors of 7-11 this afternoon stating, "Halloween masks to be removed before entering store".  I got an image of a mother and her seven-year-old boy dressed up as Jack The Pumpkin King entering, and the kid pulling a 357 magnum out of his plastic Jack 'O' Lantern candy bucket. 

To trudge down memory lane, we went at night with flashlights, usually homemade costumes. Our parents were out there, but let us run all over the neighborhood. They usually clumped up into groups where they could eyeball all of us. Everyone knew and watched out for everyone else. We got together with the other kids and clued each other on what houses were giving the best candy, and the ones giving what we called "bad treats", like apples, brownies, hard ass cookies, and pennies. We also advised each other on which neighbors were home, but had all their lights out and were not giving out anything.

Afterwards, my siblings and I would spill our bags onto the living room floor. With a horror movie playing on the huge B&W TV in the background, we made trades based on who got what that they didn't like, or of which they had too many. We went to bed with stomachs full of candy that is difficult to find any more: Mary Janes, candy necklaces, Lick 'M' Aid, candy paper roll dots, Bit O' Honey, Violet Gum, Dum Dums, etc. Maybe this contributed a bunch to my current medical condition.

I hope everyone else had a good one...

What happened?

Posted on: Friday 10/20/2017 11:38:57

Last night I went with some friends to a poetry reading in Keyport, A town on the shore. The reading was a sort of bash. There have been regular readings for two years at the place it was held. It is closing, so this was a send-off bash of sorts. It was three hours, a long time for one of these things. I didn't get home until 1:30 a.m., got to bed at 2:00. I hot the snooze button twice this morning, and woke up at 3:00 p.m., feeling destroyed.

I met a lady there whom I was attracted to the moment I saw her. I noticed her looking at me a number of times when  happened t turn in her direction. I was the last reader of the night. When the crowd was filing out, she was waiting outside the doorway to talk to me and tell me how much she liked my poems. We talked for about twenty minutes about poetry, shared hand surgery experiences, and some other things. I got a good vibe from her. She is an animal lover and works at an animal clinic. She is a published poet. She has a pretty face and pink hair. She lives an hour and a half away, and has a boyfriend. Swing and a miss!

Ever since I have been on disability, I have been having very strange dreams that I remember, and a lot of vivid dreams. I have some other things going on as well. I was recently telling my therapist about it. She told me this: Normally you have on a daily basis, the stresses, pressures, and chaos of long hours at work. You have the frustrating commute. You have 2-3 hours at night to scramble trying to get things done at home like cooking, laundry, and so on. Now, you are only reading, writing, and walking. Without the stimulation of those other things, your brain is freaking out because it doesn't know what to do with itself. You have to find more things that will keep you mentally active for now.

My sister doesn't believe in mental illness. She is in denial with me and always has been. She thinks that therapists and psychiatrists just prey on people whom can't handle normal issues in order to make a living. I am not quite sure how to respond to that. The thing you always hear is that no one understands it except those who suffer from it.

As a recommendation from my therapist, as a way to reduce a source of stress and anxiety, a few months ago I hired a cleaning company. They come in every two weeks, and do everything except laundry and dishes. Two or three people come in on the weekend. The are fast, and they are good. The first time they came for what they call the initial cleaning, they did more than I ever expected. They washed the kitchen and bathroom walls, wiped down all the blinds, cleaned the door glasses inside and out, descaled the shower doors. They charge $60 a visit, and it is well worth it. It is a relief to not have to worry about it. Also, as my therapist said I would do, I keep the place neater and cleaner than before in between visits, because I don't want the cleaners to think I am a slob.

There are almost no plans for the weekend. My daughter is coming to do the dishes I am not able to do, and maybe take me grocery store. My friends are talking about going to the Punk Rock Flea Market in Trenton tomorrow. I found a place in town that still sells and develops 35mm film, so I have dusted off the Minolta, and have been playing around with some one-handed photography of historic places around here. I may do some of that. Have a good weekend, everyone...     

A Lost Boy

Posted on: Sunday 10/15/2017 11:29:19

I didn't know the site was back up and running. My fault. I won't write a huge post, just a recent update. Currently, I have been at home on short term disability from work. I had a hand surgery the first week of September, and a follow up surgery two weeks ago. I had something called Dupuyren's Contracture. Fingers curl into the palm and freeze like that. I found 98% of the time it occurs in men of Nordic decent (I'm Norwegian) over 50, and it is always in the left pinkie finger. 

Except for me. It also started in my ring and middle fingers. It's caused by excess collagen deposits that form around the tendons in the palm. I was sliced open every which way. My hand looked so horrible, I was upset and called it my Frankenstein Hand. It's been a lot of pain, more than I imagined. It's also a slow road to recovery, lots of physical therapy, and home exercises. It's been very lonely stuck at home. I can't drive with guards, splints, and yards of bandages on my hand, and- surprise! The TV is broken and has to back to the manufacturer. Quiiiiiet...My daughter has been very sweet about bring me groceries and visiting. I am due back at work November 1st.   

While home I have done a lot of reading, writing, and one-handed gardening. I was able to launch a new poetry web site for myself, and started taping a series of poetry readings for You Tube. I may have a new book coming out in February. For over a year I have been wanting to turn a small, empty upstairs bedroom into a writing room. I took this opportunity to do it. It's finished, and I am really pleased with it. It has a desk, my printer, a club chair, accent table, small stereo, cool artwork, and a ton of plants. It's not a stuffy, walnut everywhere study, but is all light and airy.

I finally went through all of the boxes the movers brought back into the basement after the fire nearly five years ago. Most are being shit canned. I was pleased though, to find a number of keepsakes I thought had burned. By the way, asshole is in his fifth year of his eleven year sentence. Good for him.

My bosses are incompetent, overbearing, egotistical jerk offs that do nothing but cause me too much stress and anxiety, and keep my therapist in business. I'm planning on trying to take retirement in four years. It's been a great career for nearly 37 years, but in the space of two years, these two guys have managed to convince me and others that enough is enough.

Finally, if I didn't say before, my divorce was finalized in March. Adios. She is now like someone who used to bully me in high school that I haven't seen since. It cost me $7k. What remains is equitable (not) division of pension and 401(k) funds between the two of us. It's a legal, paperwork, and accounting nightmare I would wish on no one. Still no special lady in my life. Blargh...

Glad to be back, people...

Could Be Better

Posted on: Monday 04/10/2017 03:57:27

It's been a mixed weekend. I was home sick from work on Friday with some damned abdominal thing going around that I had to have caught at work. All the office women were all getting it, and no it wasn't "their special time'. 

I bought good quality patio furniture earlier in the week. I felt better when it was delivered early Saturday morning, then worse after. I felt better later, and went out again with the lady from POF which was great, but found myself ill again this morning. The couple of times I too Bosco out today, it was very warm. The whole neighborhood was out in shorts and T-shirts. At least I opened all the doors and windows before I ended up on the couch again.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the doctor. This can't continue. The main thing with this is pains bordering on cramps that move at times between the stomach midway below the belly button.

I have/had a big presentation to give tomorrow. I'm sure my being out, even part of the day will go over like a turd in a punch bowl.    


Posted on: Saturday 04/08/2017 04:04:30

I just deleted a longish entry I spent some time on. There are good things happening to me. My luck is turning in a number of ways. I know I should probably be happy about them. However, I would feel like an ass blabbering about them.

Things are happening to people I love that I wish so hard were not happening. I don't want that. I would trade my good things and so much more for their problems and misfortunes in the blink of an eye. 


Where To Go?

Posted on: Sunday 04/02/2017 03:53:02

Sometimes we get so self-absorbed in our own trivial shit that we don't notice other things we should that are more important. Guilty as charged.There's just no way to make up for that as far as I know. "Sorry" doesn't begin to cover it, I know.

Date Night

Posted on: Saturday 04/01/2017 05:11:52

So the date tonight was alright. The lady was nice. We are the same age, both have teaching degrees, adult kids, like gardening, and music. Attractive. When she retires in October she wants to open a small music hall- somehow non-profit. We talked for four hours straight about all kinds of things. It didn't feel awkward or forced.

The place we went to, The Vault Brewery, was crowded as hell- 45 to 50 minute wait for a table. They take your phone number and text you when your table is ready, so we went down the block to an inn for a drink while we waited. The food was a bit pricey, but good. The craft beers were good also. I paid, but she insisted on getting the tip. I also brought her a gift of a medium sized Yankee Candle.

One thing I felt uncomfortable about, that I think will continue to plague me, is this line of questioning: How long have you been divorced? Oh, really? Well, how long were you separated? Oh, really? How long were you married? What happened?

I've never been a liar, or one to deceive people- what a tangled web we weave, right?

It Stopped Being Fun

Posted on: Wednesday 03/29/2017 12:57:57

I feel constantly drained lately. Mono? Iron or vitamin D deficiency? Kidney or liver issue? It's highly unlikely any of these. It is probably my boss and his stifling, over-micromanaging style, and extremely overbearing personality sucking the very life force out of me. Every fifteen minutes it seems something happens involving him that leaves me confused as to whether I should go into a crying jag, or throw a maniacal laughing fit. 

I do not want to be come like many others who have given up on trying to do a good job and do right. They have had enough negative exposure with him that their new work attitude is, "Fuck it, I don't care. Whatever he wants. Let him decide, since whatever I might decide will be wrong. Good or bad decision in reality, it's on him, not me." 

I've come too far in 36 years to go out carrying that kind of work ethic around with me. I can't do it. I can't collect a pay check and not care. 

Can't wait to see my therapist next week. 

An A List

Posted on: Thursday 03/23/2017 09:45:47

I get to see my son this weekend, as expected. I'm glad for that. It will probably be a Sunday brunch.

I escaped having to work this Saturday.

Last week I ordered a cool Ab Fab T-shirt that features Patsy. It arrived in the mail today. They sent me two of them though. Not complaining. Love that show. 

I have asked the lady I have been talking to on POF about meeting for coffee sometime this weekend. No response yet.

Bosco has been very well behaved since late Tuesday night, when he bit me on the finger. For some reason, he got mad and went off when we were in bed and my hand bumped his rump. He didn't break skin or give me a bruise, but it did hurt. Right now he is showing me how much he likes the crab-cheese dip and Wheat Thins I bought at the store.

Antenna TV just announced they will have a Three Stooges marathon on Saturday, April 1st. I will absolutely be clearing my calendar for that day.

Happy Friday to all!

Catching Up Some

Posted on: Tuesday 03/21/2017 12:33:08

My apologies for being a bit scarce lately. There hasn't been a lot going on, really. I suppose the big thing has to do with my brother. Remember I posted that last weekend he went to the hospital to get a new kidney, but the deal fell through? Well, as per the usual, I talked to my mom on Saturday and found out he was back in the hospital on Wednesday for stroke symptoms again. It wasn't that so he wasn't admitted. 

From what I was told, it sounds a lot like it was due to him playing, "I'm my own best doctor" with his meds again, particularly this one that is a heart med. True to his typical style, he was taken off of it about a year ago. Since he had not been taking it when he was supposed to, he had a bunch left. He is now taking them without doctor instructions because he swears they are the only thing that makes him sleep when he has insomnia. That is totally not what they are for. He is pissed that the doctors won't prescribe him more now.

When I talked to him on Sunday I didn't get the usual, "I didn't call because I didn't want to worry you". He told me he had those symptoms for each of the five days before Wednesday. That includes while he was in the hospital for the transplant prep. He didn't tell anyone but me that just then. He didn't speak up until it was frightening him enough that he called my sister to take him to the hospital.  Everything else he told me was contradictory to what I had heard from my mom. Then I got his usual, "Those doctors don't know shit. When they say they practice medicine, that's exactly right. They practice on me." I have to now get the scoop from my sister, who knows him best at this point.

Otherwise, I didn't go to work today, as the depression had a strong hold on me. At my daughter's prodding, I did go to the grocery store tonight, and bought about 2/3 healthy stuff. I'm going to make the effort but, blah and yuck. I continue to have bizarre dreams nightly. My therapist says the meaning is not in what happens in them or who is in them. The meaning is in how and what the events make you feel. Then you have to figure out what in real life is making you have that feeling. This does not make it any easier. 

I will get to see my son this weekend, as he is coming home for a wedding. I asked him if it was his wedding, and he didn't think that was funny. Finally, I have been talking to another nice, interesting lady on POF for about a week now. She seems really interested in me. Tomorrow I will ask her about meeting for coffee or something like that this weekend. If it goes the way these things have so far, we will meet, it will be what I think is nice, then she will disappear. I know, think positive.