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Could Be Better

Posted on: Monday 04/10/2017 03:57:27

It's been a mixed weekend. I was home sick from work on Friday with some damned abdominal thing going around that I had to have caught at work. All the office women were all getting it, and no it wasn't "their special time'. 

I bought good quality patio furniture earlier in the week. I felt better when it was delivered early Saturday morning, then worse after. I felt better later, and went out again with the lady from POF which was great, but found myself ill again this morning. The couple of times I too Bosco out today, it was very warm. The whole neighborhood was out in shorts and T-shirts. At least I opened all the doors and windows before I ended up on the couch again.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the doctor. This can't continue. The main thing with this is pains bordering on cramps that move at times between the stomach midway below the belly button.

I have/had a big presentation to give tomorrow. I'm sure my being out, even part of the day will go over like a turd in a punch bowl.    


Posted on: Saturday 04/08/2017 04:04:30

I just deleted a longish entry I spent some time on. There are good things happening to me. My luck is turning in a number of ways. I know I should probably be happy about them. However, I would feel like an ass blabbering about them.

Things are happening to people I love that I wish so hard were not happening. I don't want that. I would trade my good things and so much more for their problems and misfortunes in the blink of an eye. 


Where To Go?

Posted on: Sunday 04/02/2017 03:53:02

Sometimes we get so self-absorbed in our own trivial shit that we don't notice other things we should that are more important. Guilty as charged.There's just no way to make up for that as far as I know. "Sorry" doesn't begin to cover it, I know.

Date Night

Posted on: Saturday 04/01/2017 05:11:52

So the date tonight was alright. The lady was nice. We are the same age, both have teaching degrees, adult kids, like gardening, and music. Attractive. When she retires in October she wants to open a small music hall- somehow non-profit. We talked for four hours straight about all kinds of things. It didn't feel awkward or forced.

The place we went to, The Vault Brewery, was crowded as hell- 45 to 50 minute wait for a table. They take your phone number and text you when your table is ready, so we went down the block to an inn for a drink while we waited. The food was a bit pricey, but good. The craft beers were good also. I paid, but she insisted on getting the tip. I also brought her a gift of a medium sized Yankee Candle.

One thing I felt uncomfortable about, that I think will continue to plague me, is this line of questioning: How long have you been divorced? Oh, really? Well, how long were you separated? Oh, really? How long were you married? What happened?

I've never been a liar, or one to deceive people- what a tangled web we weave, right?

It Stopped Being Fun

Posted on: Wednesday 03/29/2017 12:57:57

I feel constantly drained lately. Mono? Iron or vitamin D deficiency? Kidney or liver issue? It's highly unlikely any of these. It is probably my boss and his stifling, over-micromanaging style, and extremely overbearing personality sucking the very life force out of me. Every fifteen minutes it seems something happens involving him that leaves me confused as to whether I should go into a crying jag, or throw a maniacal laughing fit. 

I do not want to be come like many others who have given up on trying to do a good job and do right. They have had enough negative exposure with him that their new work attitude is, "Fuck it, I don't care. Whatever he wants. Let him decide, since whatever I might decide will be wrong. Good or bad decision in reality, it's on him, not me." 

I've come too far in 36 years to go out carrying that kind of work ethic around with me. I can't do it. I can't collect a pay check and not care. 

Can't wait to see my therapist next week. 

An A List

Posted on: Thursday 03/23/2017 09:45:47

I get to see my son this weekend, as expected. I'm glad for that. It will probably be a Sunday brunch.

I escaped having to work this Saturday.

Last week I ordered a cool Ab Fab T-shirt that features Patsy. It arrived in the mail today. They sent me two of them though. Not complaining. Love that show. 

I have asked the lady I have been talking to on POF about meeting for coffee sometime this weekend. No response yet.

Bosco has been very well behaved since late Tuesday night, when he bit me on the finger. For some reason, he got mad and went off when we were in bed and my hand bumped his rump. He didn't break skin or give me a bruise, but it did hurt. Right now he is showing me how much he likes the crab-cheese dip and Wheat Thins I bought at the store.

Antenna TV just announced they will have a Three Stooges marathon on Saturday, April 1st. I will absolutely be clearing my calendar for that day.

Happy Friday to all!

Catching Up Some

Posted on: Tuesday 03/21/2017 12:33:08

My apologies for being a bit scarce lately. There hasn't been a lot going on, really. I suppose the big thing has to do with my brother. Remember I posted that last weekend he went to the hospital to get a new kidney, but the deal fell through? Well, as per the usual, I talked to my mom on Saturday and found out he was back in the hospital on Wednesday for stroke symptoms again. It wasn't that so he wasn't admitted. 

From what I was told, it sounds a lot like it was due to him playing, "I'm my own best doctor" with his meds again, particularly this one that is a heart med. True to his typical style, he was taken off of it about a year ago. Since he had not been taking it when he was supposed to, he had a bunch left. He is now taking them without doctor instructions because he swears they are the only thing that makes him sleep when he has insomnia. That is totally not what they are for. He is pissed that the doctors won't prescribe him more now.

When I talked to him on Sunday I didn't get the usual, "I didn't call because I didn't want to worry you". He told me he had those symptoms for each of the five days before Wednesday. That includes while he was in the hospital for the transplant prep. He didn't tell anyone but me that just then. He didn't speak up until it was frightening him enough that he called my sister to take him to the hospital.  Everything else he told me was contradictory to what I had heard from my mom. Then I got his usual, "Those doctors don't know shit. When they say they practice medicine, that's exactly right. They practice on me." I have to now get the scoop from my sister, who knows him best at this point.

Otherwise, I didn't go to work today, as the depression had a strong hold on me. At my daughter's prodding, I did go to the grocery store tonight, and bought about 2/3 healthy stuff. I'm going to make the effort but, blah and yuck. I continue to have bizarre dreams nightly. My therapist says the meaning is not in what happens in them or who is in them. The meaning is in how and what the events make you feel. Then you have to figure out what in real life is making you have that feeling. This does not make it any easier. 

I will get to see my son this weekend, as he is coming home for a wedding. I asked him if it was his wedding, and he didn't think that was funny. Finally, I have been talking to another nice, interesting lady on POF for about a week now. She seems really interested in me. Tomorrow I will ask her about meeting for coffee or something like that this weekend. If it goes the way these things have so far, we will meet, it will be what I think is nice, then she will disappear. I know, think positive.

The Knife Rules For A Moment!

Posted on: Monday 03/13/2017 10:08:16

So I had my taxes done on Saturday. I had told someone related to something else about how the pendulum of karma can at times swing widely and swiftly. It was my freaking turn.

I found I was able to claim my alimony as a deduction. I was also able to go back in times and claim last year's as well. The result- my total return amount is sinfully large. I'm still awestruck. I will completely recoup what I spent on the lawyer, PI, and so on, and still have a whole lot beside that to bank.

Also, if the ex didn't claim it as income, which know her she probably didn't, once the IRS and state see my deal, they will be going after her. I still don't have bad feelings towards her or wish her any harm, but if I were to find out that was happening, I would smirk.

I will now be looking at the possibility of taking a short trip to Iceland this summer, which I have wanted to do for a while now. There are some pretty good package prices available right now from what I have seen just glossing through things in the interwebs. I have to do a deep dive. I won't mind going alone, if that be the case. I mainly want to take in their culture, art, and history. I want to talk to the people and see how they think and what they are like. I have heard some strange things about their diets and foods. I will not be eating whale meat on principle.

Yesterday was the second attempted meeting of my poetry group. Two people showed up, which is a real start. One is a writer friend who has a lot to input and offer. The other is a guy my age who has never written, but has been studying it. He is very enthusiastic and inquisitive. This is partially what I wanted with this group- to draw in some newbies to help turn into confident poets.

Tonight is supposed to be a blizzard, in case you didn't know. We here in South Jersey are supposed to be hardest hit in the state. The estimates for my area are anywhere from 14-36 inches with a layer of sleet slotted in there at some point. They are saying after 8:00 PM we will get 2-4 inches per hour. If that happens, I will not be making work. Around here, they don't plow shit until it all stops, and residential areas are the last to be plowed. I live halfway up a hill, which is problematic. Then there is the long commute. Who knows what the freeway, highway, side and country roads I travel will be like. Finally, I do leave for work at 4:30 AM. If I am out shoveling and digging my car out at 4:00, my neighbors will gather into a mob and kill me. The senior manager says they may call a delayed 10:00 AM start. That probably wouldn't help me any. I'm hoping he is human and sensible and just closes the operation for the day. If it's that bad and we work, the trucks won't go out on their multi-state routes anyway.

HBD, Luna

Posted on: Monday 03/13/2017 09:37:35

The happiest of birthdays to a classy, beautiful lady.  She has a great smile in every photo, no matter what she has going on. She always has kind words and heartfelt advice for me in whatever I happen to be going through. She is impressively strong. It appears whatever life hands her, she perseveres. Best wishes, Luna.     

In The Mood

Posted on: Saturday 03/11/2017 05:26:25

Suffice it to say, it's been a rough night.

First, I am feeling less than cheery about yesterday's event, and pondering a nightmare from last night.

Then tonight, the family went through some ups and downs. After nine years of waiting on the list, my brother was going to get a new donor kidney tonight. He was at the hospital already being prepped when I was called. Then it fell through. Apparently, the donor had kidney failure for too long before they expired, so it couldn't get to my brother in time and became unusable for him. I feel awful for both my brother, and the would-be donor and their family.

Finally, I was listening to old song demos. An acoustic instrumental came on that I wrote for my old dog Cortes. It's titled Black after the color of his fur. I forgot that at the end of this particular recording, he actually barks, as if he knew I was playing his song. 

It was the wrong thing to hear at the wrong time. I've never gotten over his passing. I couldn't help somewhat of an emotional meltdown then. I hate falling apart like that, and making Bosco feel something was wrong.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.