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Going There

Posted on: Tuesday 04/24/2018 04:30:34

I am going to take a moment from everything I have going on to say something that many will likely find ridiculous. Here goes.

This is about Thor Ragnarok. The true story has been distorted for the purposes of the movie. I know, as I am as you may know, Norwegian. The real, accurate story is a part of the mythology of the ancient Nordic people. It was a part of their belief system, and in large part their explanation for things for which they didn't have scientific knowledge, like thunder. The same holds true for the ancient Romans and American Indians. From interest in my lineage, I have studied such stories in Norse mythology, and many are actually more bleak than exciting. Read Grottasongr online, for example. 

The movie was not meant to perpetuate the true myths, but to entertain a largely kid and young adult audience. And of course, to make millions of dollars for rich people. I imagine the people of Greece probably don't want Ares, Apollo, and Artemis turned into Marvel or DC Comics superheros for the big screen. Perhaps the same for the Mexican people with the Aztec and Mayan gods of their ancestors. I imagine were they here now, my Viking ancestors would seek out the movie producers, director, and actors. They would disembowel them, pillage their plush homes and exclusive neighborhoods, and burn them to the ground.

Thank you for hearing me out.  


Posted on: Tuesday 04/17/2018 04:53:42

There is so much going on, and so much to do right now. The timing of everything in concert with everything else is both important and unknown. It's like my head is a clothes dryer and each thing is an article of clothing. 

The thing that bothers me the most right now though, is the parallel to my bipolar disorder in terms of other people. I'm hearing the same things from people, especially family- Stay positive, you can get through this, remember how strong you are, and so on. These things may be true of someone with a mental illness, but they don't want to hear those things. They come off as meaningless and even annoying. Studies have shown it.

I am very appreciative of the help people are giving me so far. They are being awesome. I am getting all the support I could ask for or need from family and friends. It's just that I don't need the "chin up" and "everything happens for a reason". I have learned how strong I am over the last handful of years. I know I will come out of this with flying colors. 

However, I don't believe this retirement thing happened because some higher power thinks I should move home and end up having a much happier life. I know I will have a much happier life. But this didn't happen because of fate, the gods, or karma. It happened because my former bosses are soul sucking, twatwaffles with no loyalty or conscience. 

Anyway,sorry my friends. It's just my mood right now and I needed to vent for a minute. 

An Update

Posted on: Tuesday 04/10/2018 05:07:56

My brother-in-law has already been a big help to me. Besides owning a big construction company, he is a natural born businessman. On his advise, I will be immediately applying for disability SS based on my BP. According to him, it should not be a difficult thing, and will bring in decent money. I have been paying into it since I was 16-years-old. My first ever job then was flipping Big Macs after school. I deserve to dip into it now, as I see it.  

After discussing the house issue, he convinced me to get three realtors to look the place over and tell me what is the best they can do for me, with their knowledge of what I am doing. It is apparently worth a bit more than what I owe at this point, and a lot more than what I thought. I will stay with he and my sister temporarily while they help me find a new place. I will find out how good Pods is, too. 

Based on more advice, I will not buy a car here. I was going there for a celebration of my 60th for a few days. I will now go for a week or so. I don't have to worry about getting back to work, right? I will get a one way ticket there, and turn my rental car in at the airport. Once there, he will help me shop for a truck or Jeep. Prices are better there, and sales tax much lower. Also, I won't have to deal with buying one here and later transferring the title from NJ to OH, and re-registering there. Makes great sense.

More later...


It Just Keeps Getting Better

Posted on: Friday 04/06/2018 12:35:06

To be brief, this morning our Corporate Director and HR Manager made a surprise visit from Tennessee. I was thanked for my 37 years of dedicated service. I was then told I could either immediately take an early retirement with a small severance package,  or immediately be fired. I was given paperwork and escorted to my car like a criminal. I wasn't allowed back to my desk to collect my belongings. I am numb and in shock. Like I was with the fire  only worse.

Some Pleasant Things. Really.

Posted on: Tuesday 04/03/2018 01:51:55

I don't remember if I have talked about this, and don't feel like going through all my posts, so if you have heard this, sorry.

Besides the other crapola (autocorrect wants to change that to Crayola!) I have posted about recently, I am deep into poetry mode. April is National Poetry Month. In honor of this, we torture ourselves with the difficult poem-a-day challenge. I actually have a couple of disturbed friends whom wrote 3-4 a day in the last two year's events. It's very early, but I am keeping up and plan on finishing. Last year I only made it to the 22nd. 

I am keeping up with my poetry website. In fact, I just updated it the end of last week. I always post a note on the updates on FB. When I look at my site statistics after that, the hits go way up, so it's a good tactic. It's not just family reading. The numbers are too high for that. 

I have submitted to two journals. One is new. The other had shut down a few years ago, and is restarting. They were very good to me before. They published my work 3-4 times. They nominated me for a Best Of The Net award three different years, and even did an interview with me at one point.

I am still working on the new book manuscript. It is my 35mm photography with poems based on each photo. It's not a fun book. It is serious, the overall theme being decay, regret, and being forgotten. Only one poem is autobiographical. Most of the photos are of historic sites in South Jersey. It is not about death per se, but I think I have a decent cover concept: a photo of the entrance to a very old cemetery with a title above it of, "Always In, Never Out: Photos and Stories". Yes?

I have for years had an inkling to attempt to write poems under a female pseudonym. I have been doing this and publishing on a website called Mirakee. They are short poems, seven lines at most, each of 2-5 words. In some it is obvious this "woman" is writing about a female lover. In some you simply can't tell the sex of the subject or narrator. The more fuzzy I make that distinction, and the more subtly erotic I make them, the more likes they get. I have 16 regular followers so far. I must be succeeding, as no one has cried, "bullshit" regarding my assumed sex in the comments sections of any of the poems. It's challenging and fun.

I am still working on my new You Tube video reading series. I am putting together number three in bits and pieces now. I am also thinking of reviving a series of 13 podcasts I recorded about eight years ago that appeared on FB and my old web site.

Apart from that, I am writing things not related to any projects or challenges, and am still waiting to hear word on whether the book manuscript I submitted in June will be published. You have to be very patient with these things. You can submit three poems to a well known journal and wait nine months or more for a yea or nae, especially if you submitted via snail mail. I am also home printing and laminating business cards for my site to hand out at readings and send with submissions. I have learned in my line of work if you really want someone to keep something- laminate it.

Happy Tuesday...

In The Corral

Posted on: Sunday 04/01/2018 01:45:34

As soon as I posted about the lady friend, though I was (and still am) hurt, I decided quickly that I would not repeat a huge foolish mistake. You all know what I mean. I quickly got off my ass, dusted the dirt from my chaps, and started walking down the trail rather than chasing after the long gone horse I would not catch. 

I got back on POF. Throw a new line back into the lake, right? So far- Ugh. No offense to anyone, but here is what I am finding so far:

- A big group of women, half physically well kept, half not, whom only want a guy with the body of a 25 year old. No mention of personal qualities desired. We are in our 50s and 60s, remember? Have realistic expectations.

- Many, many divorced school teachers, nurses, and beauty professionals. That has me very curious.

- I know how this will sound, but- Many women whose only photos are head shots, blurry, glamour shots, ones with other women that don't point out which ones they are, or a mix. Why the smoke and mirrors? What do they have to hide? Be real.

- I  just love this one- "Mental illness, depression, bipolar, all psychos need not apply". Fuck you, okay?

- I traded two messages with one woman, after which she told me she was closing her account because she was getting too many requests from men- almost 200 a week. About 29 a day? Really? She was very nice, but not, "I'll just fucking die if I can't be her man". And I have some cave paintings I want to sell you. 

- Women who want a man to go on world travels with them. Besides a few widows, they all went through a divorce in NJ. They are totally aware of how the judge financially screwed their spouses in court, regardless of the circumstances. They should know most of us legally battered survivors can't afford two week vacations to Italy, Rio, or Egypt.

- My favorite is this- They have been recommended to you as a match by the site. They just want someone to be friends first, someone to talk to, dine with, and share mutual activities, and then develop a long-term relationship together. It is all about making each other feel loved, comfortable, happy, PDAs, and making each other laugh. You share damn near every like, hobbies, interests, and wants in a potential partner. 

You send them a brief, pleasant message, and ask to chat and see where it goes from there. You get nothing back. In fact, often times, they delete the message without reading it. Why? If the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes people show up at your front door, do you pretend you aren't home because they want to give you a million dollars, and not that seven thousand a week for life prize? I don't get that. Many of you have seen me on FB and You Tube. Is it my looks? 

Is it a case of virtual- "Lieutenant, may I make a statement?" "What is it, Callahan?" "Your mouth wash ain't makin' it." At least I have by sense of humor somewhat intact. I will self-flagellate a while longer.

Happy Easter

About A Woman

Posted on: Wednesday 03/28/2018 12:09:07

Call me Mr. Blindsided. Related to she whom will now be referred to "That Woman", right before she ditched me I ordered a somewhat expensive bracelet for her. I take that back, it was expensive- solid silver with six small diamonds on either side of the clasp. I thought what the biggest way to surprise her would be to have it sent right to her from the jewelry company from which I ordered it. 

She would receive a small package from "Hildebrand & Solomon", and not have a clue. Wrong. I spoke to someone from Fed Ex today when the online tracking showed it as not delivered, five days overdue. They apparently are having a hard time gaining access to her apartment building to deliver it. It's sitting in a delivery terminal. I am going to freak the fuck out if they lose it.

Yes, way-too-kind-hearted-Don. As soon as she crushed me I should have immediately stopped delivery, and had it returned to me. But, still the fool, it was meant for her, only her, I still wanted her to have it, so I didn't have it returned. 

However, though I still have my feelings for her, and am hurt, I'm determined to not make a repeat of my infamous error. I'm not going to pine for this woman or let mourning an abruptly ended relationship eat my time like I did with my ex. This was months, not the 2 years I had with my ex.

You know, with this and other things, I just want someone to sit down and talk with for a while, mutual sharing of dog shit piles. Due to no fault of my own I assure you, I only have one set of friends left. He suffers sever depression, so doesn't need to hear my nonsense. His wife works with the mentally ill for the state, so same there. She deals with something from strangers all day, the goes home at night to do the same with her husband. A saint in my book. I would be, and would feel selfish looking to them for support.    


Posted on: Monday 03/26/2018 05:41:39


Again, People

Posted on: Monday 03/19/2018 05:43:59

Christ, you know. It seems every time I write here, it's because I have some issue or another. I know, it's on me. 

I was in a relationship. Yes, was. She is very intelligent, well read, sweet, multi-talented artistically yet career oriented, very beautiful and sensual. We both expressed love for each other many times, and she constantly reminded me of my good qualities, stressing to me to be good to myself. So, she massaged my self-esteem as well.

Yesterday afternoon, I was dumped. She messaged me she thought it was time to move on. I could not reach her after that. I sent her a text saying that if she was dropping me, please not to do it like this, and at least give me a reason. Tell me something. Anything. I got no reply. In the late evening she posted something on FB that let me know she had found someone else that she probably thinks she will be better off with. I have heard nothing from her since.

My head bitten off and spat out by love again. Of course, I am  suffering the usual heartbreak symptoms- I didn't sleep last night, no appetite, feel lost and worthless and hopeless. My nerves are shot, but I am drinking caffeinated tea as if it is free beer at a concert or football game. One good thing is I see my therapist early this evening. 

This is probably the shortest "trouble entry" you have ever seen from me.

The Real Confession Time

Posted on: Sunday 02/18/2018 02:50:01

I'm sorry for the suspense. Whenever I write a post on a computer at work, only the post title publishes. It won't let me insert the copied text through the edit either. A glitch, I guess. Anyway:

The correspondence person I spoke about in my last post happens
to be a lady in England. We have gone from emails about poetry, the
writing process, the arts, personal experiences, and a number of other things,
to the addition of intimate emails, videos, and texts through a phone chat app. This isn't
about internet sex. We do however know a lot of personal details about
each other, and of our lives, past and present.

this is possible, we have over time developed strong feelings for each other,
that are growing rapidly. She is not a scammer. I contacted her first regarding
writing. She is a friend of a long-term friend on FB. In fact, a couple of
times, I have offered to help her monetarily, and she flat refused. There
has been serious talk of me flying there to meet her and stay for a week or so
when she is on her summer holiday, as they call it. I swear, if that goes as well as we both think it will, I will retire as soon as possible, sell my house and all my shit (it's just possession, right?), and move there to be with her. To me, my whole life has had so much suckiness and unhappiness in it, that if this will make me very happy for the rest of my life thenl, I am damned well going to do it.

I think she is perfect for me. She is very talented. Except the
theater, she is involved in every type of arts, and is very good and
successful at them. She is very intelligent, especially when it comes to
philosophy, psychology, cultures, ancient literature, music for starters. She
is big-hearted, gentle, strong, and kind. God, I have always been very
attracted to strong women. Guys, she has this soft, quiet voice with the
British accent that just melts you. She is a school teacher for special needs
middle school children, and head of special programs development
and administration. She cares for her 18-year-old daughter,
whom has major special needs. She is also gorgeous and sexy. She is in my eyes, the whole package, what I have searched for. 

won’t get into the stupid thing I did to upset her, but I think she knee-jerked
and over-reacted. Since then the frequency of emails and messages
have dropped off gradually. The overall tone has changed as well. Example:
Yesterday afternoon, I sent her the usual Happy Friday message, and asked
what plans she had for the weekend. Normally she would wish me one
back, tell me her plans, and ask me what I had going. She would tell me she
hoped to hear a lot from me over the weekend. She would end the message with a
"XOXOXOXO", or a "XXXXXX". Her reply yesterday was
only that the was starting a ten-day vacation, and nothing else. I would
normally have gotten the usual "good morning" message
today. I've not gotten a word. It is 8:17 a.m. here, and 1:18 p.m. there. I
sent her flowers on Valentine's Day. The shipping cost was staggering, but I
didn't care. I think she is very worth it, and I really wanted to do
it. She said they were beautiful and she wasn't used to it. That was all.

am wondering if this situation is permanent, or will wear down in time, and how
long it will take for the smoke to clear. Maybe I blew it, what could be the
best thing to ever happen to me. Obviously, those things are unanswerable right
now, and it is frustrating.