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I Don't Need It

Posted on: Sunday 01/14/2018 02:30:49

I think I'm done with the dating site. A handful of weeks ago, I was working on closing my POF account when a woman messaged me, which had only happened once before. We were messaging and she was nice. We messaged and texted for a couple of weeks then decided to meet. She wanted to meet on New Year's Eve, as that was the anniversary of her leaving her cheating husband, and she thought it would be a nice start to a good possibility.

I agreed. She wanted to come here because of how crowded and noisy places would be. I agreed to that. too. I cooked a fancy dinner for us, and had roses on the table for her. I was hopeful. She was as nice in person as online. She was a good conversationalist. We stayed up talking and watching a Newhart marathon until 3:00 a.m. I was so tired, I slept most of New Year's Day.

Last weekend we went to the movies and dinner. We had a good time, though the movie, The Darkest Hour, bored me. Again, there was a lot of good conversation. After that I was thinking about things. It was nice to have a woman to keep company with a on a weekend evening. That's all I felt in it, though. I didn't see a future for me with her. We weren't really as compatible overall as we seemed in messaging. There wasn't that spark that told me this was the woman I can't live without. I didn't want to waste either of our time. I wouldn't string her along and let her starting caring, just to have someone to talk to. That would be wrong.

I told her that I thought we should stop seeing each other, and why. I tried to be as kind as humanly possible. I could tell as I expected, that she was hurt. She was civil about it, though. Then that night as I was asleep, I got a barrage of nasty texts. She had obviously been up late getting progressively angry. Some of the highlights:

My ex didn't leave me because of my bipolar disorder. She left me because I am always at work. She got tired of hearing me say I had to stay late, or work on Saturday.
I was foolish to raise someone else's kids, stupid to still care about them, and still have them in my life.
I am going to drop dead from working too much, probably at work, and will immediately be kicked aside and replaced.
I am very selfish. I only care about myself. I only care about money.
I should close my POF account because I am incapable of loving anyone but me.
I didn't want to see her anymore because she didn't have sex with me on New Year's (I wasn't concerned with that, and told her so early on NYE when she brought it up).
If I want sparks with another woman, I'd better bring sparklers with me, because that's the only way it will happen (lol! Good one!).
I will die alone in bed with Bosco, because I don't deserve a good woman. 

I'm not going to dwell on it. It didn't hurt my feelings like she probably intended it to. I think my brother was right when he told me these were likely thoughts she was gathering about me during our talks and first two meetings. She decided to vocalize them after I broke it with her, so it's no doubt best that I did. Right on, bro. But that experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I think I probably will close my account and as someone on here told me (Lerm or Steve), stop trying so hard. If someone comes along and it happens, it happens.



Posted on: Thursday 12/28/2017 11:06:27

I forgot one thing. My ultra-evil, blood sucking, money grubbing, immoral, she-demon from hell of an ex wife is dragging out the situation with the division of the 401(k) and pension funds. She is not cooperating with my lawyer, even though she stands to gain greatly and further ruin me. 

I told my lawyer to find a way to get it done, because the retainer is starting to dwindle. I am not coughing up another $3,500 for a third one. I don't care at this point. If it ends up not getting settled, she loses the game, not me. This woman whom you know I loved so very much can, for all I care, choke to death on her boyfriend's....Never mind. Vindictive much? Yeah.

My lawyer had to file a court order. If she doesn't provide the needed documents and correspondence to the court in 14 business days from yesterday, she will be fined $100 a day until she does. That should light a fire under her non-loyal ass. Hooray.
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Keeping Quiet

Posted on: Thursday 12/28/2017 10:51:50

I know my posts have been sporadic. That will probably stop, as I will explain. Here's an update of what has been going on in Don's World:

First, I believe I have found me a woman! Just as I was closing my POF account in despair, she messaged me. We have been texting constantly, sometimes, well past bed time. She is my age, divorced, a clerical assistant, and lives not too far away. Her husband was apparently an immature dick whom thought he was still 20. She  thinks I am very nice and have my act together. Now get this: She sees nothing wrong with my being bipolar. She wants to come here for New Year's Eve, and in her words, "sleep in front of the Christmas tree" if I promise to leave it up. Of course I will. High hopes. 

I have to have a third surgery on my hand. The pinkie finger still will not bend. Unfortunately, I have to be awake for this one. I have no problem with needles. As an ERT I have no problems with blood or deep, gaping wounds or broken bones. However, watching my own finger being sliced open to the bone, then a surgeon digging around in side, no. I will be turning my head the other way.

I don't know If I told this, but while I was off work on disability, my volatile boss physically assaulted a female supervisor. The next day, he started a three week "vacation". Suspended without pay? Mandatory sensitivity Training? Both? All I know is that, against company policy he was not immediately fired. He came back. The supervisor is filing a law suit. The good thing in this is for me. He has always been a prick to me, but is now being nice, even complimentary. That being the case I decided to treat him nice, instead of how you treat someone who is a prick. So far it's working. 

I have, or had, a close friend for about 12 years. She suddenly stopped answering my emails, or emailing me for months. Several times during this period I sent texts asking if she and her wife would like to get together someplace for dinner or a couple of beers. They went unanswered. The final blow was that I sent a Christmas card, and I got it back yesterday- Return to sender. I just can't figure out what I might have done wrong. I see mutual friends in public places, and they are all very nice to me. I don't get it, and it hurts. I am now down to one close friend.

Finally, I have been getting no support from family and friends on anything of importance, especially my illness. My therapist strongly advised me to stop telling them anything. I am doing it, but I have never felt so isolated. Added to this, my therapist, whom is the best ever, and I have dealt with for eight years, called last week to tell me she was leaving the practice the following day. And the clinic has no replacement at this time. I will be flying solo for who knows how long. Now I really am isolated. That made me feel like I was treading water, and the life preserver was ripped from my hands.

I am trying to be positive. There are some good things happening, but at the same time, I know myself and my illness all too well. If things don't work out with this lady and my boss stops being nice, I will be headed for a tailspin. Thanks for reading. 

Aggravation Much?

Posted on: Monday 11/27/2017 11:54:05

Well, here are some fun things from recent happenings:

In my recheck with the surgeon last Wednesday, I found out he fracturing my pinkie finger while doing straightening maneuvers during the second surgery. No wonder it is taking so long to heal, and why I am in so much damned pain when the physical therapist manually bends it. I am back to work on 12/4, but will still be in therapy for months 

I am going to try very hard to keep my stress very low and not let my bosses get my goat when I go back. I've been thinking hard that, even this is not the real me, I should not care about things there, stay calm, and just placate them and tell them whatever they want to hear at every turn.  

I found out about a major issue today. Apparently, according to federal law, my FMLA for my bipolar had to run consecutively with my disability hours. Even though one has nothing to do with the other. I am now almost out of FMLA hours because of this,even I file no claims against it. According to the law, because this occurred, I am not eligible to file for another FMLA until September of next year. Even though the disability and bipolar have nothing to do with each other. If I need to take time off due to a manic episode or bout of depression in the next ten months, I'm screwed, not covered. My bosses already view me as a problem employee, and would no doubt love to find a reason to get rid of me.

I found out that my mortgage company says I owe so much yet on my house that I won't have the house paid off for another 19 years. A house I have been in for 28 years, and that I signed the original loaf for an amount that is $45,000 less than what they say I owe. In 10 years I'll be 78 years old. Can I never stop working? I know for certain my company is not going to let me keep on that long. Something seems wrong, and I need to research it. The problem is, the loan has been bought out twice, and guess what? All of the related paperwork got incinerated in the fire four years ago. I will be getting a higher quality, much larger fireproof records box.

Some Things

Posted on: Monday 11/20/2017 02:27:55

I hate to start this way, but overall, I'm not doing so hot. I am in depression mode. The weather here started me on the Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), to which I am prone. Taking Vitamin D3 and Magnesium is not helping much. Then, I will be spending Thanksgiving alone. I was supposed to go to my daughter's, but that collapsed. First, her husband got sent to Phoenix in business, then she had to go to her grandmother's funeral in Tuscon. I got a reservation at a nice restaurant in the area, but it's obviously not the same.

Then, there is the dating site. I am still sending introductory messages to 5-6 women a week and getting no replies. I look at the summary for those messages, and all I see is, "read- deleted" or even worse, "not read- deleted". The week before last I did start trading messages with one woman who did reply. We share a number of interests and hobbies. She is intelligent, a teacher (tons of divorced teachers out there for some reason). We both want the same things in a partner. 

I didn't hear from her on Tuesday. Mid-day Wednesday I sent a message saying I hoped she was having a good day. No reply. I let it go. Thursday morning I sent a messaging saying I was available in the evening if she wanted to chat. No reply. I sent no more, and got none back. I let Friday and yesterday roll, and got no messages. I didn't want to see overly eager or needy. This afternoon I sent one asking if she was no longer interested. I got an immediate reply- no longer interested, good luck in your search. WTF. Why keep a guy hanging? 

Also, I got a blow on Monday morning. I saw my diabetes doctor. She told me my blood sugar levels were way too high. I was immediately put on insulin, one type for first thing in the morning, a different type before each meal. I had to make immediate changes. This scared the shit out of me. I don't want to die. I went home, threw out all dry and canned goods that I was told were not good. My daughter will take what's in my fridge. I went to the store and spent $200 on good foods I was told to eat. I right away got a gym membership, as much as I dislike that.

Since then, I have been eating nothing but seafood, chicken, veggies, and salads with every lunch and dinner. My occasional summertime cigar will be a thing of the past. I am taking cinnamon daily, and drinking cranberry juice and lemon ginger tea constantly. I know this is a drastic change, but I have to do it, and stick to it. I'm actually proud of myself with the gym. Today, I did three miles on the treadmill in an hour, got the heart rate up to 126, and burned 7,520 calories. 

Finally, since my divorce, I have been at peace with it. What my ex did to me hasn't bothered me. Not having her has not bothered me. I haven't felt the need to discuss it with my therapist for six months now. However, I have started to have nightmares about her having sex with other men, and this really bizarre blob-like alien being that completely envelopes her body, at the same time. I wake up in the middle of the night with my pajamas and the bed soaked with sweat. I am wide awake then, and have trouble going back to sleep. My therapist has told me you don't interpret dreams by what happens, but by how you feel when they are happening. I feel completely freaked out. I don't want that blob thing around her, penetrating her. I am terrified. I want to stop it but somehow can't. I feel helpless.

So, as you can tell, I am a hot mess right now. I'm just waiting for all this nonsense to pass, except for the diabetes thing, which will not go away.

A Damned Shame

Posted on: Wednesday 11/01/2017 02:44:38

I had about 30 trick or treaters tonight, a new record I think. My daughter was here last night, and was going through the candy I bought: "This is good candy, you should buy more of this tomorrow." "This is shitty candy. This too. Don't hand this out." I ended up with enough candy for about 50 or more kids. Remember, I'm diabetic. I can't eat it.

Anyway, nearly all of the kids came with their parents right before, or at dusk. It's sad and a disgrace that it's come down to this, but I don't blame the parents. I would most likely do the same. Our society and cultures have gotten much uglier and unsafe over the years. 

It disturbed me to see signs in the doors of 7-11 this afternoon stating, "Halloween masks to be removed before entering store".  I got an image of a mother and her seven-year-old boy dressed up as Jack The Pumpkin King entering, and the kid pulling a 357 magnum out of his plastic Jack 'O' Lantern candy bucket. 

To trudge down memory lane, we went at night with flashlights, usually homemade costumes. Our parents were out there, but let us run all over the neighborhood. They usually clumped up into groups where they could eyeball all of us. Everyone knew and watched out for everyone else. We got together with the other kids and clued each other on what houses were giving the best candy, and the ones giving what we called "bad treats", like apples, brownies, hard ass cookies, and pennies. We also advised each other on which neighbors were home, but had all their lights out and were not giving out anything.

Afterwards, my siblings and I would spill our bags onto the living room floor. With a horror movie playing on the huge B&W TV in the background, we made trades based on who got what that they didn't like, or of which they had too many. We went to bed with stomachs full of candy that is difficult to find any more: Mary Janes, candy necklaces, Lick 'M' Aid, candy paper roll dots, Bit O' Honey, Violet Gum, Dum Dums, etc. Maybe this contributed a bunch to my current medical condition.

I hope everyone else had a good one...

What happened?

Posted on: Friday 10/20/2017 11:38:57

Last night I went with some friends to a poetry reading in Keyport, A town on the shore. The reading was a sort of bash. There have been regular readings for two years at the place it was held. It is closing, so this was a send-off bash of sorts. It was three hours, a long time for one of these things. I didn't get home until 1:30 a.m., got to bed at 2:00. I hot the snooze button twice this morning, and woke up at 3:00 p.m., feeling destroyed.

I met a lady there whom I was attracted to the moment I saw her. I noticed her looking at me a number of times when  happened t turn in her direction. I was the last reader of the night. When the crowd was filing out, she was waiting outside the doorway to talk to me and tell me how much she liked my poems. We talked for about twenty minutes about poetry, shared hand surgery experiences, and some other things. I got a good vibe from her. She is an animal lover and works at an animal clinic. She is a published poet. She has a pretty face and pink hair. She lives an hour and a half away, and has a boyfriend. Swing and a miss!

Ever since I have been on disability, I have been having very strange dreams that I remember, and a lot of vivid dreams. I have some other things going on as well. I was recently telling my therapist about it. She told me this: Normally you have on a daily basis, the stresses, pressures, and chaos of long hours at work. You have the frustrating commute. You have 2-3 hours at night to scramble trying to get things done at home like cooking, laundry, and so on. Now, you are only reading, writing, and walking. Without the stimulation of those other things, your brain is freaking out because it doesn't know what to do with itself. You have to find more things that will keep you mentally active for now.

My sister doesn't believe in mental illness. She is in denial with me and always has been. She thinks that therapists and psychiatrists just prey on people whom can't handle normal issues in order to make a living. I am not quite sure how to respond to that. The thing you always hear is that no one understands it except those who suffer from it.

As a recommendation from my therapist, as a way to reduce a source of stress and anxiety, a few months ago I hired a cleaning company. They come in every two weeks, and do everything except laundry and dishes. Two or three people come in on the weekend. The are fast, and they are good. The first time they came for what they call the initial cleaning, they did more than I ever expected. They washed the kitchen and bathroom walls, wiped down all the blinds, cleaned the door glasses inside and out, descaled the shower doors. They charge $60 a visit, and it is well worth it. It is a relief to not have to worry about it. Also, as my therapist said I would do, I keep the place neater and cleaner than before in between visits, because I don't want the cleaners to think I am a slob.

There are almost no plans for the weekend. My daughter is coming to do the dishes I am not able to do, and maybe take me grocery store. My friends are talking about going to the Punk Rock Flea Market in Trenton tomorrow. I found a place in town that still sells and develops 35mm film, so I have dusted off the Minolta, and have been playing around with some one-handed photography of historic places around here. I may do some of that. Have a good weekend, everyone...     

A Lost Boy

Posted on: Sunday 10/15/2017 11:29:19

I didn't know the site was back up and running. My fault. I won't write a huge post, just a recent update. Currently, I have been at home on short term disability from work. I had a hand surgery the first week of September, and a follow up surgery two weeks ago. I had something called Dupuyren's Contracture. Fingers curl into the palm and freeze like that. I found 98% of the time it occurs in men of Nordic decent (I'm Norwegian) over 50, and it is always in the left pinkie finger. 

Except for me. It also started in my ring and middle fingers. It's caused by excess collagen deposits that form around the tendons in the palm. I was sliced open every which way. My hand looked so horrible, I was upset and called it my Frankenstein Hand. It's been a lot of pain, more than I imagined. It's also a slow road to recovery, lots of physical therapy, and home exercises. It's been very lonely stuck at home. I can't drive with guards, splints, and yards of bandages on my hand, and- surprise! The TV is broken and has to back to the manufacturer. Quiiiiiet...My daughter has been very sweet about bring me groceries and visiting. I am due back at work November 1st.   

While home I have done a lot of reading, writing, and one-handed gardening. I was able to launch a new poetry web site for myself, and started taping a series of poetry readings for You Tube. I may have a new book coming out in February. For over a year I have been wanting to turn a small, empty upstairs bedroom into a writing room. I took this opportunity to do it. It's finished, and I am really pleased with it. It has a desk, my printer, a club chair, accent table, small stereo, cool artwork, and a ton of plants. It's not a stuffy, walnut everywhere study, but is all light and airy.

I finally went through all of the boxes the movers brought back into the basement after the fire nearly five years ago. Most are being shit canned. I was pleased though, to find a number of keepsakes I thought had burned. By the way, asshole is in his fifth year of his eleven year sentence. Good for him.

My bosses are incompetent, overbearing, egotistical jerk offs that do nothing but cause me too much stress and anxiety, and keep my therapist in business. I'm planning on trying to take retirement in four years. It's been a great career for nearly 37 years, but in the space of two years, these two guys have managed to convince me and others that enough is enough.

Finally, if I didn't say before, my divorce was finalized in March. Adios. She is now like someone who used to bully me in high school that I haven't seen since. It cost me $7k. What remains is equitable (not) division of pension and 401(k) funds between the two of us. It's a legal, paperwork, and accounting nightmare I would wish on no one. Still no special lady in my life. Blargh...

Glad to be back, people...

Could Be Better

Posted on: Monday 04/10/2017 03:57:27

It's been a mixed weekend. I was home sick from work on Friday with some damned abdominal thing going around that I had to have caught at work. All the office women were all getting it, and no it wasn't "their special time'. 

I bought good quality patio furniture earlier in the week. I felt better when it was delivered early Saturday morning, then worse after. I felt better later, and went out again with the lady from POF which was great, but found myself ill again this morning. The couple of times I too Bosco out today, it was very warm. The whole neighborhood was out in shorts and T-shirts. At least I opened all the doors and windows before I ended up on the couch again.

Tomorrow morning I am going to the doctor. This can't continue. The main thing with this is pains bordering on cramps that move at times between the stomach midway below the belly button.

I have/had a big presentation to give tomorrow. I'm sure my being out, even part of the day will go over like a turd in a punch bowl.    


Posted on: Saturday 04/08/2017 04:04:30

I just deleted a longish entry I spent some time on. There are good things happening to me. My luck is turning in a number of ways. I know I should probably be happy about them. However, I would feel like an ass blabbering about them.

Things are happening to people I love that I wish so hard were not happening. I don't want that. I would trade my good things and so much more for their problems and misfortunes in the blink of an eye.