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I Don't Need It

Posted on: Sunday 01/14/2018 02:30:49

I think I'm done with the dating site. A handful of weeks ago, I was working on closing my POF account when a woman messaged me, which had only happened once before. We were messaging and she was nice. We messaged and texted for a couple of weeks then decided to meet. She wanted to meet on New Year's Eve, as that was the anniversary of her leaving her cheating husband, and she thought it would be a nice start to a good possibility.

I agreed. She wanted to come here because of how crowded and noisy places would be. I agreed to that. too. I cooked a fancy dinner for us, and had roses on the table for her. I was hopeful. She was as nice in person as online. She was a good conversationalist. We stayed up talking and watching a Newhart marathon until 3:00 a.m. I was so tired, I slept most of New Year's Day.

Last weekend we went to the movies and dinner. We had a good time, though the movie, The Darkest Hour, bored me. Again, there was a lot of good conversation. After that I was thinking about things. It was nice to have a woman to keep company with a on a weekend evening. That's all I felt in it, though. I didn't see a future for me with her. We weren't really as compatible overall as we seemed in messaging. There wasn't that spark that told me this was the woman I can't live without. I didn't want to waste either of our time. I wouldn't string her along and let her starting caring, just to have someone to talk to. That would be wrong.

I told her that I thought we should stop seeing each other, and why. I tried to be as kind as humanly possible. I could tell as I expected, that she was hurt. She was civil about it, though. Then that night as I was asleep, I got a barrage of nasty texts. She had obviously been up late getting progressively angry. Some of the highlights:

My ex didn't leave me because of my bipolar disorder. She left me because I am always at work. She got tired of hearing me say I had to stay late, or work on Saturday.
I was foolish to raise someone else's kids, stupid to still care about them, and still have them in my life.
I am going to drop dead from working too much, probably at work, and will immediately be kicked aside and replaced.
I am very selfish. I only care about myself. I only care about money.
I should close my POF account because I am incapable of loving anyone but me.
I didn't want to see her anymore because she didn't have sex with me on New Year's (I wasn't concerned with that, and told her so early on NYE when she brought it up).
If I want sparks with another woman, I'd better bring sparklers with me, because that's the only way it will happen (lol! Good one!).
I will die alone in bed with Bosco, because I don't deserve a good woman. 

I'm not going to dwell on it. It didn't hurt my feelings like she probably intended it to. I think my brother was right when he told me these were likely thoughts she was gathering about me during our talks and first two meetings. She decided to vocalize them after I broke it with her, so it's no doubt best that I did. Right on, bro. But that experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I think I probably will close my account and as someone on here told me (Lerm or Steve), stop trying so hard. If someone comes along and it happens, it happens.



  • kittenheel Says:
    The older I get, the more that I want people to want to have sex with me, but I don't want to go to the trouble of actually doing it. It's like the mathematician who is satisfied knowing that a solution to a problem exists, but doesn't want to go through all the crap involved with actually solving it.

  • Simon Says:
    Sorry if this seems to be trivialising your situation, Don, but I had to laugh at Mary’s response. Being a lifelong loner (by nature and perforce, due to my mental health problems) I look at people’s attempts to form romantic relationships with amazement. It seems to require so much effort, for such little reward. I’m sorry you’re having such bad luck, and that it’s getting you down, but I have to concur: stop trying so hard. If someone comes along and it happens, it happens.

  • Nightbreed Says:
    Well, at least through her passive-aggressive behavior, you can be certain turning her down early was the best decision you could possibly make! Yikes! Sounds like you were more than fair with her, and treated her like a lady. As a woman, I'm impressed with how delicately it seems you treated the situation.

    And yes, it's my personal experience that 'love' comes when you stop actively looking and are at your most relaxed and natural. You did the right thing.

  • kittenheel Says:
    My brother essentially took the same philosophy espoused by Simon, and I have to say, it worked out splendidly for the most part. He's had exactly two LTRs, one of which lasted 20 years and ended when she inexplicably became violent (I think it was due to early onset dementia, sadly), and the second, which led him to get married for the first time at age 56. His wife also happens to be the Coolest Person Ever. So yeah, I know it definitely can happen later in life. /homepage

  • lunamor Says:
    Holy overreaction, batman! (on her part, not yours!) Don, you are definitely better off without that mess. I am sorry it didn't work out, but I'm really proud of you for ending something you didn't see a future in rather than sticking it out just to not be lonely. Happy New Year, man - I hope great things are in store for you.

  • knifeboy Says:
    Thank you all for the support. In talking to my mother last night, she doesn't get why I broke it, and thinks I didn't do right by the woman. She thinks I didn't give it enough time. She told me I should do a lot of thinking about myself before meeting anyone else. She showed me she doesn't understand about the spark. I'm not feeling good about all this now. / homepage

  • kittenheel Says:
    Look, maybe other people feel differently, but for me personally, my mother would be the last person I would go to for relationship advice. /homepage

  • lunamor Says:
    While I get why she would say that, I'm not sure I agree. None of us is getting any younger, and if something doesn't feel right, why waste your time? Besides which, her assumptions about you and your life after only knowing you a few weeks are HUGE red flags. Nothing makes me run faster than some person I just met telling me all about myself, especially when the list is all negative. That's when you have to remember that you have family & friends who love you (and like you!) just the way you are, so some newcomer's opinion means diddly squat.

  • fakebrunette Says:
    Two dates not like you had picked out a flatware pattern. It's done move on

  • H3OsMama Says:
    You dodged a bullet. Good for you!
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