Mixed Weekend

This weekend was some mix. First there was the bad news about Cortez, which I am still having trouble dealing with. Then Rachel took me out to dinner after we went writing at Borders. We had a very nice time. I had shrimp, cheese fries and beer. Yum.

Then I got home, and due to the storms, the power was out, as were the batteries in my camp lantern. I sat around a few candles in the living room for a couple of hours reading a book with the dogs by my side. Then I went to bed.

The power came back on in the middle of the night. It had been out for almost eight hours. Everything in my fridge was ruined. I had to go and replace everything on Sunday, even though I really didn’t have the money for it.

But then the poetry group meeting on Sunday was nice. It was a good meeting, and I was glad to have everyone over for a while. And I had several glasses of wine, which helped.

This morning I did not want to get up. Typical Monday morning; and it was still raining. It basically rained all weekend. I had a hard time getting to work due to so many roads closed because of flooding and downed trees. Since it has rained all day and evening, I’m not quite sure how I will get home. And we are working overtime tonight, and probably tomorrow night as well.

My boss gave us all new voice recorders for making “mental notes” on. It’s a fun little gadget. We are also getting our desktop PCs replaced with laptops. This is surprising since the company has done so much expense and budget slashing lately. I wonder what my boss has up his sleeve on this deal.

Bad News

I got some bad news at the vet’s this morning. I may have to have Cortez put down. The tumor in his mouth is infected. It is pretty far along in terms of growth, basically too far for surgery to be an option.

Apparently, some tumors respond to antibiotics and some types don’t. We are going to try an antibiotic for a few days to see if it clears the infection and reduces the swelling. If it does, he will stay on it. If it doesn’t, I’ll probably have to have him put down. If the antibiotic doesn’t work, the tumor will eventually get so big and bad that he won’t be able to eat, and he will go downhill fast at that point. It doesn’t seem to bother him right now, but I cannot let him suffer. We’ve been too close for too long. 

The chances aren’t good. I half expected this news. He is over fourteen years old- pretty old for a lab mix from what I am told. It will kill me to lose my best buddy of all these years. Please keep your fingers crossed for us and the antibiotics.

Friday By The Numbers

1. It has rained here all day and night. I’m not complaining, though. In fact, I’m really, really glad it’s not snow.
2. I got invited to dinner tomorrow night by a friend. She is paying, in celebration of getting her income tax refund. First, we are going to Borders for coffee and writing. I need it. I haven’t written anything all week.
3. Work sucks tonight. We are very busy, and everyone is moving real slow. We are getting nowhere fast. I can see the mandatory overtime coming next week already.
4. I drank three glasses of wine last night after work and got hammered. That rarely happens on that many glasses, so I don’t know what the deal is. I also chucked this morning first thing. I guess that’s what I get.
5. I also had a nice IM chat with a cousin who is a couple of years younger than I am. We rarely talk, but we do see each other at least once a year. When he came out a few years ago, all of his brothers disowned him, which sucks, big time. I don’t get that.
6. Something is a much better song than any version of Layla. Take that, Eric.
7. Everyone have a great weekend. Enjoy.

Is It Friday Yet?

Come on weekend.

The last couple of days have been unusual. Yesterday I got off of work half-day because I had to be at work today for a 9:00 am meeting. Getting up this morning at 6:30 am was diffficult and strange. I just got home a little bit ago. I’m glad I work the hours I do. Normal rush hour traffic in Jersey really sucks, and that’s an understatement. There aren’t quite the traffic jams that there were when I lived in Los Angeles, but people drive a whole lot crazier here.

And it happened again. Another tractor-trailer came down our street this morning and tore the power line of the side of the house. Remember, that happened to me in November. I woke to the FD and the police knocking on my door about it. By the time the power company guy got there I had to leave for work, so I opened the gate and politely asked if he could close and lock it when he was done. He said yes. I was so surpried when I got home tonight to find that, not only had he locked the gate, he also reattached the line to the side of the house all the way down to the meter, and fixed the siding where it was pulled away! I was almost in shock. What a decent guy. I wish I had a chane to thank him. Of course, I will have to call the power company and see if I am being charged for that, but I doubt it. I tink he was just a nice guy.

I finally get my poor dog to the vet on Saturday morning. The growth or tumor or whatever it is on his lip has really gotten big, and it smells. It has to be infected. Odd though, he is eating and drinking fine, and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Still,  will be very glad to have it attended to.

Well, time to read some posts, then practice some guitar with a glass of wine to wash it all down.

PCs, Certified Posts And The DMV

Damned computer at work is on the fritz. It started yesterday afternoon. Nothing is working on it except Windows Access and the internet. I have to keep running up to the office every half hour just to get my work done. I am getting a nice workout from that.

The tech guy spent an hour on the phone with me on this last night, doing things in there by remote control from India. No luck. Another tech guy came out to the facility today and spent an hour on it. He said he would have to come back tomorrow because what it needs will take several hours and he had another client to see before his shift ended.

Computers are such a great thing, until you have problems with them.

Not much else is going on. The mail carrier delivered two thick envelopes that I had to sign for yesterday, and both were from the local superior court and addressed to the ex. I am very curious about the contents. I talked to her about it this moring and she said she had no idea what it could be about.

I have to get my driver’s license renewed this month and I’m dreading it. The local office gets you in and out pretty quick, but all the stuff about six points of indentification is confusing. You have to present certain combinations of documents to prove that you are you, each being worth a certain amount of points. Your total has to be six, or no license. I don’t like walking around with my original birth certificate and SS card. I’m so afraind of losing them. As long as they are in the safety deposite box, I know they are okay.

In My Midnight Confessions

I am so lonely it’s pitiful. The girl I have lost has left such a hole in my life. I so wish I had someone, and I screwed up so royally with her. I hate being lonely and alone, but at this point, I know I deserve it. Maybe it’s my destiny. 

I live for the weekends, and to spend them alone like this is excruciating. I hate the feeling that I am just existing, without purpose. The big questions haunt me so. I don’t want to go to bed, to lie there staring into the dark thinking, wondering.

I can’t help but feeling like I have made a big mess of my adult life: A divorce after years of living with an abusive wife. A second wife who left me because of my mental illness. Health issues. Bills. A dog who is like a child to me and may well be dying. It’s hard to see the positives, even though I am a “glass half full” kind of guy. 

I worry about surviving intact for the next 5 years. I worry that my life is well more than half-way over. I worry about the day that I can no longer work, and retirement. I worry about my twilight years. I worry about dying too soon, too young. I worry about death and dying in general.

If you have no such worries, I envy you.

Not A Bad Day

Almost everyone in my neighborhood is a retiree or close to it. It’s 9:30 on a Saturday night, and my house is the only one on the block with lights on.

I had a good day. I went to get my fishing license and did not give in to the urge to buy a bunch of new tackle while I was at Dick’s. I fished at a local lake for several hours this afternoon, and enjoyed it. I was not alone. A number of other guys had the same idea. It was so nice out- sunny, a slight breeze and it got up to 51 degrees. I didn’t cath anything, but it didn’t matter. Just being out there on the water was the whole point. 

Tonight I am cleaning the house, and drinking wine. Lots of wine. Later, Vampire Weekend will be on SNL. Tomorrow is bill paying, some more cleaning, and later in the afternoon, going to do some writing with a friend at Borders. No dinner with the kids this weekend, as the ex is down with a bad flu.

Enjoy your Saturday night.

Friday By The Numbers

1. The weather forecast for tomorrow is in: 49 degrees and sunny. I am definitely getting my license and going fishing.
2. I own camouflage coveralls and a cap. Does this make me a redneck?
3. I’m learning to play an acoustic version of Man In The Box. It’s a nice contrast, I think.
4. Subterfuge-  Today I am really liking the way that word sounds.
5. I plan on doing some writing on Sunday at the local Borders with a close friend. It’s a nice way to spend an afternoon.
6. I’m finally almost finished with Donna’s sudden fiction book. I know it’s been months.
7. The local alternative station has been playing tracks from the new Vampire Weekend CD, and it sounds great.
8. It’s official: All of my whiskers are now totally gray. I’ll never grow facial hair again. I wouldn’t want to be confused with Willie Nelson. Not that I have a bullet hole in my guitar or anything.
9.  I want to go see Alice In Wonderland, but only because Mr. Depp is in it.
10. Everyone have a great weekend. Enjoy.

Dogs, Bass, And No Work

There has been no work in my department for the past two days, so I have gotten caught up on my projects, except for the couple of new ones I was given this afternoon. I have also given all of my employees their annual performance evaluations. As usual, almost everyone thinks they are better than they really are at their jobs. And the trash compactor is broken for the second time this week. That makes for a huge pile up.

I have to get Cortez to the vet very soon. He has what started as a very small tumor on his lip that has swollen and is now hanging inside his mouth, and it is starting to give off a smell. I’m afraid of it being infected, and I am even more afraid of it being cancerous. He is fourteen years old, and I suppose I should expect something to happen to him health-wise by now. He’s been really luck in not having any arthritis or hip or joint problems. It would simply kill me if I had to put him down. I know I have to have high hopes and low expectations on this issue.

I have no plans for the weekend at this point. I also have little cash at hand. I do have a three liter bottle of chardonnay, though. And clove cigarettes. If the weather stays like it is now, I will get outside on Saturday afternoon and try to catch some ice-out bass. You see, with the thawing of the lakes, the bass are coming out of the trance-like, reduced metabolism state they go into in the winter, and even though the water is still cold and they stay deep, they are hungry and will attack anything that looks like a live meal. It’s slow fishing and not terribly productive, but it beats sitting in the house being bored.

Everyone have a happy Friday.

Silent Don

There are things going on with me that I am not talking about here right now. I want to, and I feel like I need to get them out. There are things I want to say, but I have not yet figured out how to say them without coming off like I’m complaining or whining. Maybe I shouldn’t care, but I know that no one likes to read that.

Suffice it to say that, while I am a generally happy person, I am not particularly happy at the moment for a number of reasons. I know that this is, like everything, a temporary condition, but that doesn’t make it suck any less.